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Abstract mystical world
“Sounds odd, but I miss believing in God,” Jacob told me.
Pushing 60, this once devout Christian turned atheist regretted the absence of existential certainty, the feeling that life possesses a universal transcendent meaning and purpose. Jacob’s concern was not about “lights out” when he died but, rather, with finding peace in what time he had left.
“I didn’t want to lose my faith. It brought some clarity and certainty to my life. But it happened, and this world helped make it happen,” he explained.
A caring and sensitive fellow, over time Jacob found it difficult to reconcile his religious beliefs with events unfolding around him. The anguish, cruelty and wickedness he witnessed in the world in general plus losing his only daughter to cancer proved too strong a match for his faith alone.
Free Will?
Striving to explain the presence and purpose of evil, senseless suffering and human barbarism, he examined various theologies, most asserting that we possess free will and make our own choices between goodness and the dark side. He spoke with several people of the cloth, inviting them to somehow restore his theism. He even steeped himself in other religious traditions and philosophies that attempt to assign a spiritual framework to existence.
His intention was to view the question—“Is there a God?”—from as many perspectives as possible. But he came away feeling like all he was hearing were rationalizations created by those who were anxious to avoid what he was experiencing, the absence of faith and the disquiet it sometimes engenders.
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“To me, it doesn’t feel like some deity watches over us. Look around. People can be heartless, nature is indifferent to us and fate is unfair. Even among believers, there’s little agreement about the nature of God, and if you consult history, you’ll see these disagreements often turn violent. More people have been killed over religious conflicts than political ones,” he concluded.
Meaning in Life
Despite his cynicism, the man was no sour puss. He understood how to seek fulfillment in the moment and embraced the values of being a good neighbor, helping others and contributing to society. In other words, he embraced the capacity to make meaning in one’s life as an individual, but in a universal or transcendent sense, it escaped him.
“One priest asked me if I’d ever had a religious experience,” he told me. “Well, I’ve had several deeply spiritual ones, and while life-changing, they did not convince me of the existence of some all-loving, omnipotent being.”
“What did they convince you of?” I asked.
“That it’s all an incredible unknown, and that we are tiny beings on a small speck in a vast universe who simply can’t figure it out,” he replied.
What I found notable about Jacob was that, while missing his faith and belief in an afterlife, he harbored no fear of death. There is survey evidence that both atheists and the very religious have a significantly diminished fear of dying compared to those in the middle, so-called agnostics (“I just don’t know”) and the less devout (“I know but I’m busy”).
Jacob crossed a line that separates one world view from another. As such, his challenge was to find his existential bearings without benefit of the “compass” once provided by his faith in a supreme being.
He is at the place the Dalia Lama referenced in stating, “The question is not to know what is the meaning of life, but what meaning I can give to my life.”
For more, visit philipchard.com.
