Narcissism: I Think I’m Wonderful, and So Should You

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Photos by Lyamport Galina Vyacheslavovna and Deagreez - Getty Images

Narcissism selfie

Of all the mental health diagnoses populating the media of late, narcissism likely garners the most attention. What’s more, it’s the label of choice many paste on those they dislike, whether it fits or not. In contrast, calling someone “depressed” often elicits empathy or concern, while labeling them a “narcissist” usually evokes disdain. The term paints people with a broad and often inaccurate brush. So, exactly what is narcissism?

Even after plenty of research, the answers sometimes become mind-numbingly complex. We hear about so-called narcissists who are “functional” or “malignant” or “sociopathic,” and the like. Psychology defines narcissism as a personality disorder, a fundamental flaw in character, one usually very resistant to change. So, what common characteristics manifest in those exhibiting this type of personhood? 

Current thinking proposes two primary types of narcissism: overt and covert. Think of the overt variety as grandiose and “out there.” Donald Trump and Elon Musk are the current poster children in this regard. It’s relatively easy to spot, as these folks are vain and full of themselves to the point of bursting at the psychological seams. In contrast, their covert mental cousins often appear hypersensitive, defensive, socially insecure and joyless. Consequently, some psychologists refer to them as “vulnerable narcissists.” Like their grandiose counterparts, they feel superior to others and crave elevated social status but fail to exhibit the same “Look at me!” grandstanding. Why? Probably due to fundamental underlying insecurity.

Self-Absorbed, Entitled

Regardless, there are two characteristics common to all narcissists, and, interestingly, they’re also present to a lesser degree in many who are not of this persuasion. Self-absorption and entitlement. Regarding the former, for most of us, focusing extensively on oneself is par for the course. Babies and very young children exhibit this proclivity to a high degree, only gradually learning they are not the center of the universe and that “other” and “self” are distinct. Some psychanalytic theorists speculate that narcissism is caused by the disruption of this developmental transition, meaning the recognition that it’s not all about me. 

Many sociological studies show ruminating about ourselves is ubiquitous, so the next time you’re feeling self-conscious, relax. Chances are people aren’t paying nearly as much attention to you as you imagine. They’re too busy focusing on themselves. So, given the propensity for self-absorption across the general population, when does this self-centeredness become narcissistic? When you amp it up and add entitlement to the mix.

One might suppose the missing factor here is self-awareness, that narcissists don’t recognize how full of themselves they are, and that if they did, they would mend their ways. However, that’s not the case. Many narcissistic individuals are aware they think very highly of themselves but, at the same time, feel they deserve being a legend in their own mind. They feel entitled to what they most want, the fawning admiration of others and elevated social status.

So, how do we distinguish between folks with garden variety self-centeredness as opposed to those exhibiting outright narcissism? There’s no fully reliable litmus test, but here are some indicators to watch for:

• The absence of empathy, even for family or supposed friends. 
• A strong sense of entitlement and believing “the rules” do not apply to them.
• A transactional approach to relationships with a focus on what they can get from others.
• A lack of guilt or remorse for wrongdoings or transgressions.
• Never accepting culpability. It’s always someone else’s fault.
• A tendency to overreact emotionally when not getting what they want.
• A strong self-referential focus in which they make everything about them while showing little genuine interest in what others have to say or share.
• Callous indifference to the needs and suffering of others.

Unfortunately, behavioral scientists indicate there is a subset of narcissists who are facile at cloaking these tendencies, making them harder to spot, particularly at first. However, when these folks don’t get what they want, the genuine article usually emerges.

If you have a narcissist embedded in your life, or trying to be, setting firm psychological boundaries proves critical. In doing so, keep in mind this phrase from writer Annie Lamott: “No is a complete sentence.”