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Range of emotions illustration
“I’m constantly monitoring how I feel,” Celeste told me. That question—“How do I feel?”—is worthwhile to ask at times, but not if it dominates one’s mental existence. Gazing at one’s psychological mirror much of the day is oppressive, not unlike having someone standing over your shoulder critiquing your every move (in this case, mood), except the critic is inside your head.
“When do you not monitor your emotions?” I asked.
“Only when I’m totally into something that takes my mind off me,” she replied.
Unfortunately for Celeste’s mental health, she didn’t become “totally into something” very often, and even when that occurred, it often proved short-lived.
“My husband told me I’m too self-absorbed,” she shared. “But I care about other people, listen to them and show empathy.”
Bad Mental Habit
As her spouse suggested, there are individuals who over-monitor their feelings because they are egocentric or even narcissistic, but Celeste didn’t fit these molds. For her, this emotional hypervigilance simply represented a bad mental habit, one she may have inadvertently acquired during a long stint of psychotherapy as a young adult.
This woman’s “How do I feel?” routine yanked her awareness away from absorption in the moment and the ongoing flow of sensory experiences and into a cognitive labyrinth of thinking, analyzing and, often enough, fretting. If she felt off or lousy, she began ruminating about why, what it meant and how to change it. And if she felt good, then she started worrying it wouldn’t last, which pretty much burst her positive bubble on the spot.
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“If you have to stop and ask yourself if you’re having a good time, you’re probably not,” I suggested.
Being excessively focused on one’s emotions is a circuitous process. For instance, being depressed is clearly no fun, but closely observing yourself being depressed and self-dialoguing about it (“What’s wrong with me?” or “Why do I feel this way?”) makes the experience even more unpleasant. Provided one’s depression is not severe or chronic, it’s often more helpful to simply go with it and feel bummed, rather than mentally tormenting oneself about it. Latching our awareness on to an uncomfortable feeling only extends its lifespan.
Cognitive Spin
Folks who persistently monitor their feelings are prone to what we shrinks call “cognitive spin,” the psychological equivalent of a cat chasing its own tail. Consequently, they often feel anxious about feeling anxious, get depressed over feeling depressed, become stressed about being stressed, and so on. The original cause of their distress fades into the mental background, and the distressed feelings themselves become the obsessive focus.
What to do? Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps some of these folks by teaching them to better manage their thoughts and self-talk. They learn to make more deliberate choices about where to focus their awareness, as well as how to handle detrimental inner dialogue.
Others respond to methods like mindfulness training that encourage sensory absorption and being present-centered. This helps the person remain engaged with what they are experiencing rather than separating from it and lapsing into thinking about it, which fosters a mental echo chamber. Noted psychoanalyst Fritz Perls called this “aboutism.” We obsess about something (like our emotions) rather than experiencing them directly.
Emotional self-awareness is necessary for sound mental health, but too much of this good thing can prove counterproductive. Sometimes, we need to just feel, and simply leave it at that.
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