On Being a Father

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Father and daughter walking

Being a father has taught me some challenging lessons. This role has been and remains an ongoing education in its own right, one that will likely never involve graduation. For good or ill, it’s a life sentence. I don’t pretend to have it down, but effective fatherhood seems to encompass several simple tenets. Simple to describe, yes, but their execution can prove far more complex.

First, perhaps, is humility. There are days when parenting compels me to take some long looks in the mirror. I could read you a litany of my miscues and shortcomings as a dad, but that wouldn’t help me learn from my past mistakes; just feel bad about them. Unless a parent is a flaming narcissist, they can easily recount things they should have done, but didn’t, as well those they should not have done, but did. Contemplating these scenarios can help with “falling forward” and learning from our mistakes, but there’s not value in using them for mental crucifixion. 

Another major guideline is connection. As stated in a Swedish proverb, “Shared sorrow is half sorrow, and shared joy is double joy.” Meaning a parent needs to be present and positively engaged with a child, not just inhabiting the outskirts of their existence. Not easy in our frenetic, techno-saturated and distracted culture that’s constantly luring children into the virtual world. As more of a private person who leans toward introvert, the deep sharing approach sometimes proves difficult for yours truly.

You and Your Child

Think of two circles, one representing you and the other your child. Early in a kid’s life, these circles should overlap to a large extent. Your life becomes as much theirs as your own. Later, as the child grows into their own person, these circles should separate more, reducing that overlap. This is common in the adolescent years and often becomes more so with adult children. Then, instead of moving in and connecting more, a parent must often learn the opposite, stepping back. Not easy.

Nonetheless, when a child, adult or not, is troubled or under siege, the parent who joins them in that arduous space has the best chance of assuaging their distress and providing a safe emotional haven. Children must face their demons themselves, but a parent’s engaged presence affords a measure of courage that helps them do so. 

This connects with the next parenting tenet, which is the need to see one’s child as a unique individual, not a clone of mom or dad. It’s hard enough for a youngster to discover their true nature and life calling without a parent pushing an alternate version that doesn’t truly fit. We are there to nurture, not force feed.

Empathy and Discipline

Another and vital precept is kindness, which includes empathy, respectful discipline and forgiveness. That doesn’t mean anything goes. It does mean distinguishing between the child’s essential worth and their problematic behaviors. The personhood of one’s daughter or son warrants unequivocal love. The same benefit does not accrue to all of their actions. The adage is, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” It’s an oldie but a goodie. 

Finally, there is role modeling. Our children observe us intently and pick up on the nuances of adult behavior, including our contradictions and hypocrisies. Setting a high but not perfect standard and teaching by example are among parenting’s greatest powers, meaning they can also be among its greatest pitfalls. “Do what I say, not what I do” just doesn’t cut it.

There are myriad books, essays and columns, including this one, about what it takes to effectively inhabit the role of father. Some offer worthwhile guidance, although mostly it’s just common sense and decency at work. But, beyond all that, there is one thing being a dad has clearly taught me.

Fatherhood is not about biology or adoption. It is about love.

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