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Difficult teen
Marla and Peter parented what some refer to as a “devil child.” Their 15-year-old daughter, Kaitlin, grew increasingly unmanageable. Her grades tanked, she openly defied the family rules, was hauled before various authorities for truancy and drinking, and went incommunicado with older friends without warning. She was clearly in harm’s way and headed for a steep fall.
Marla and Peter pulled out all the stops in their attempts to reach her, rein in her behavior and restore order to their household, one with younger siblings. They engaged with multiple therapists, juvenile authorities, teachers and psychiatrists, and their bookcase overflowed with parenting tomes. The consensus among those who worked with this family was that these were loving, reasonable parents doing their best. In contrast, their daughter seemed entirely self-absorbed, alienated from all but a few peers, and hell bent on doing whatever she pleased regardless.
“What’s driving her behavior?” Peter asked at our initial consultation.
“The same desire that drives a lot of adolescent behavior,” I replied. “Kaitlin is doing what many teens fantasize about, which is being your own person. But in her case, the essential element that applies the brakes with most teens is missing.”
“We give her love, support, limits . . . what’s not there?” Marla asked.
“Mutual respect, with an emphasis on mutual,” I answered.
Failure to Reciprocate
Without a core of mutual respect between a child and their parents, there is no amount of tough love or positive parenting sufficient to carry the day. And while Marla and Peter felt an essential respect for their daughter, she utterly failed to reciprocate. As I discovered during our difficult consultation, Kaitlin harbored far more than the generic adolescent disdain for Mom and Dad. She viewed her parents as annoying “things” that impeded her self-serving agenda. Sure, many teens exhibit some indifference or even disdain toward their parents at times. Nevertheless, that chilly disposition often disguises an underlying respect, but showing that openly would obstruct a primary agenda behind adolescent rebellion, which is individuation, meaning becoming one’s own person.
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In parenting, leverage comes largely from shared respect. Even when a teen exhibits outward apathy or even muted scorn for their parents, if respect is still present, the ability of a mom or dad to exert a helpful or at least restraining influence remains. You can grant or withhold privileges, lecture, cajole, listen, threaten, bribe, punish, even institutionalize—but these tactical efforts will commonly fail in the absence of some level of mutual respect. Why?
If, as a child, you don’t care at all about pleasing your parents, meriting their praise, remaining a part of their lives and earning their trust, and your mental GPS is being driven by self-defeating impulses or unhealthy peers, there’s suffering ahead.
“I believe your parents have earned your respect,” I told Kaitlin, but clearly it didn’t matter what I believed.
Her response? “They just care about their house and boring jobs and fancy stuff. They want to control me and have me live the same boring life. Money means everything to them.”
“You mean the money they use to put a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food in your stomach?” I asked her rhetorically, eliciting the proverbial eye roll.
Unless or until she grew to respect them, there was little else her parents could do. Time can sometimes change an adolescent’s view toward their mom and dad, but not always. Still, when the immediate situation seems hopeless, it’s important that parents focus on the long game, doing their best to maintain the relationship in some fashion. If the connection remains, hope remains.
As for Marla and Peter, it proved very hard to keep doing what they believed might positively influence their daughter when their efforts failed to deliver. But, for them, that was the only viable option. If they’re fortunate, someday, their efforts will sink in, and Kaitlin will begin coming around. If not, they gave it their best and didn’t give up. That’s all that parents can reasonably ask of themselves.
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