Perfectly Messed Up

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Photo by KatarinaGondova - Getty Images

Rusted angel figure

Each of us is messed up in some way, shape or form. No exceptions. Being human means being flawed, so when someone projects a public persona of perfection, a little voice in my head says, “Me thinks thou doth protest too much.” Many of us fail to display the humility that comes from recognizing one’s own deficiencies, or we ignore them when judging others. I know I’m guilty of this at times.

The net effect is we often expect other people to attain moral purity, or close to it, but when it comes to our own shortcomings, many of us give ourselves a psychological get-out-of-jail-free card. So, when others disappoint us in this regard, which is all but certain, we punish them for not meeting our expectations, sometimes with holier-than-thou condemnation.

Generally, you can spot someone who is into this “I’m perfect and you’re not” mindset by listening to how they speak about the failings of others. If you notice that, while excoriating someone else’s foibles, they omit any reference to their own, then a sanctimonious attitude may well be present. Of course, this mindset is rampant in politics where the prevailing blood sport is catching someone making a miscue, slamming them for being human, and implying that one’s own behavior is morally superior. It would be both refreshing and productive if the political set could move more toward Christ’s admonition—“Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone.” 

What’s more, this scenario proves even more damaging when it occurs in families, workplaces and social circles, as opposed to the body politic. There are parents who expect perfection from their children (and vice versa), bosses who demand it from their employees, patients who insist on it with their doctors, and so on. The net effect of all this “You should be flawless” thinking is that we drive each other nuts, sow interpersonal discord, and undermine our collective well-being. Understanding and harmony are not compatible with stratospheric expectations.

Mental Microscope

Understandably, those subjected to demands for perfection often resent being under someone’s mental microscope, chafe at the pressure to perform impeccably, and sometimes rebel against their psychological overlords. In turn, folks who demand perfection in others often become cynical, bitter and control mad when they don’t get it, which is the vast majority of the time. In other words, everyone suffers; both those demanding perfection and those they demand it from. 

In some instances, the public disparagement or innuendo heaped on the less-than-perfect by their self-righteous detractors can and does ruin individual lives. Words can injure, sometimes severely. If we want to create a sense of shared humanity and common purpose, we need to stop bashing the emotional stuffing out of each other over our respective shortcomings. 

The twisted ideology behind “spare the rod, spoil the child” convinces many that criticizing and punishing someone’s flaws will result in improved behavior and performance. It’s deeply rooted in our cultural beginnings. There’s a quip about an American and an Australian comparing the origins of their respective cultures. At one point, the Aussie says, “I feel sorry for you yanks. We got the criminals, but you got the Puritans.” Amen. Social science research makes clear that positive reinforcement and encouragement, rather than moralistic nit-picking and chastising, prove much stronger motivators for people to do good.

Sure, there are folks whose behavior is too abhorrent or intolerable to deserve our forbearance, but they are the exceptions. Most of us are just regular folks, warts and all, trying to make it through another day and often stumbling a bit in the process. A little less fault-finding and a bit more understanding might be all the help that someone needs to become a better, if not perfect person.

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