The Art of Apology

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Unless you’re living in a cave or happen to be an exceedingly rare person who never offends anyone, learning and practicing the art of apology will prove worthwhile. The odds that we will offend some of the important people in our lives at some point hover around 100%. Maybe not as certain as death and taxes, but close. Unless you are free of opinions, quirks or foibles, you are going to tick off somebody you care about sooner or later . . . probably sooner. When we apologize, we seek to heal these interpersonal wounds, whether we inflicted them intentionally or by miscue. Sounds simple, but it actually requires no small amount of mental preparation and emotional energy.

As you might expect, behavioral scientists have studied what flies and what flops when seeking to make amends. Their findings suggest success hinges on these key elements.

Don’t wait: Usually, sooner is better. We all know how emotional wounds can fester over time, so waiting for the perfect moment to apologize is usually a mistake, and often and avoidance maneuver. As soon as you realize you have offended someone, pony up with your mea culpa. Of course, trying to make amends when you or the other party are emotionally hijacked is unwise, so waiting for the interpersonal dust to settle is fine, but don’t over-wait.

Take responsibility: A half-hearted “I’m sorry” followed by lame excuses or, worse yet, shifting some of the blame on the other party, is not going to cut it. You did it, whatever it was, so own that. No ifs, ands or buts. Taking full responsibility for one’s actions demonstrates genuine contrition.

Avoid excuses: If your stated apology contains the words “but” or “if,” among other disclaimers, it’s probable you are not sincere in your remorse. Consider the difference between saying “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” compared with “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” The “if” introduces a challenge to the validity of the offended person’s distress. As another example, compare “I’m sorry” with “I’m sorry, but I didn’t think you’d mind.” In the brain, the word “but” negates everything that precedes it, meaning “I’m not really sorry.” Hedging and qualifiers are anathema to a genuine, healing apology.

Ask: It usually helps to ask the other person how your behavior affected them. If you do, then listen without interrupting or becoming defensive. Just listen, acknowledge what you heard, and thank them for sharing what it was like on their end of the hurtful interaction.

Show remorse: In the absence of expressing sincere regret, any apology will fizzle, even if one follows the aforementioned action steps. “I am sorry,” when genuinely spoken, is the key ingredient in making amends. It’s that simple and it’s that important. If you don’t actually feel remorse for your offensive behavior, then you’re not ready to express your regret. A fake apology is worse than none at all.

Offer to make amends: If there is something you can do to make the other person feel better or otherwise address the damage done, then you should find out what that is and, if reasonable, make it happen. It may help to say, “If there is anything I can do to make this better, please let me know.”  

Don’t expect to be forgiven: If all you’re after by apologizing is absolution from the offended party (forgive and forget), then rethink your motives. Apologizing is about doing the right thing, and not about soliciting a beneficial response. If obtaining forgiveness is your main objective, then apologizing is really about meeting your needs, not those of the other person.

When done sincerely and with these steps in mind, apologizing will usually help heal a wounded relationship, as well as avoid the onerous burden of unfinished emotional business that can eventually break the back of any important interpersonal bond.

Author Julia Cameron reminded us that, “Apologies are the art of spiritual housekeeping.” 

If you never learn or practice this art, expect your “house” to get increasingly messy.

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