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Man holding hand out
At first, Alex was a bit of a mystery to me. Psychotherapists sometimes call a client’s reason for seeking counseling their “ticket,” and his was a mixed bag of depression, agitation and loneliness. But I also sensed some other back story. A 20-something just out of grad school and working his first professional job, he complained of not fitting in with others despite wanting to. Working off a hunch, I inquired.
“Have you ever had a serious girlfriend?”
Alex’s reaction was telling. His brow furrowed as he looked away, his body tensed, and his breathing quickened.
“No, not really,” he stated. “I don’t connect well with girls.”
In fact, he didn’t connect much at all. He’d never had a girlfriend, his overtures were often declined, what dates he garnered were one-offs, and lovemaking occurred only in his fantasies. What’s more, he often felt spurned by females. When discussing this, Alex’s tone shifted markedly, becoming increasingly acrimonious. As his complaints and bitterness toward women gradually emerged, the man’s mindset became clear. He harbored an “incel complex.” This term does not refer to a formal psychiatric diagnosis, but probably should.
Blaming Women?
Research at Michigan State University examined individuals like Alex, hoping to discern what plagues them and why. They determined these persons are celibate but not by choice, are predominantly heterosexual males, usually late teens into their 30s, and feel cut off from emotional and sexual intimacy. However, the most salient feature of the incel mindset is to blame women for their predicament. They feel slighted and snubbed by females, perceiving them as cold-hearted tormentors.
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Although Alex didn’t use the following terminology, it encapsulated his posture: “Only women can give me what I want and deserve, and, out of spite, they withhold it.” Notice the term “deserve,” which he uttered repeatedly in reference to his own wants. These men believe themselves entitled to a woman’s graces, and when those are not forthcoming, they also feel entitled to righteous indignation and, in some instances, retribution. Incel complex fosters both misogyny and, in some, physical violence, including sexual assault.
How does this condition emerge? We don’t have many answers yet, but, as with most psychological dysfunction, the influences are probably many. It’s possible these men have common personality traits or interpersonal styles that are off-putting to most women. Many also disclose not fitting in well with people in general, and some self-report being, as we say, on the spectrum. However, they do connect well with one group—their own kind. There are online chat forums for guys with this complex, not to change their mindset but to reinforce it. They also clearly possess a strong sense of entitlement. To them, the world—in this case, the female world—owes them.
I’m not suggesting these fellows are not suffering. They are. Their experience of aloneness, alienation and deprivation is very real and painful. Russian novelist, Fyodor Dostoevsky, said it best in defining hell as “the suffering of being unable to love.” What makes it hard to feel compassion for those like Alex is their insistence on blaming their misery on that which they desire. I once worked with a man with a similar pedigree except for one salient difference. He decided to take responsibility for his awkwardness with women and worked diligently on improving his emotional intelligence. Which is the only viable strategy for those with this dysfunction. First, the person must look in the mirror and believe they are seeing the source of and solution to their problem. Absent that, the odds for change are slim.
Which is unsettling because, in our society, women know they are prey to men with incel complex, among others. They may not know it in those terms, but they experience it in their interactions. The paucity of behavioral research focused on incel complex is testament to the insidious sexism in our culture. Almost half of women have suffered sexual violence in some form, and even more endure the misogyny that permeates homes and workplaces. Yet, while men with this complex are among the primary sources of their victimization, the causes and potential treatments for this condition garner little attention.
It’s time we figure this out.
