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What sort of persons do you find insufferable? Many of us experience an instant turn-off when around a certain type of individual. And, sometimes, the kind we find most off-putting may be telling us something important, albeit unwelcome, about ourselves.
Now, in my case, people who really get under my skin are those referred to as “know-it-alls.” These folks seem confident that, whatever the subject, they know more about it than anybody else, and they are equally certain their views are the truth, the whole truth and applauded in heaven. So why do they set me off? Because, truth be told, I can be an opinionated person too, and I see in them something I dislike when it emerges in me.
It took me years to wake up to this tendency, to learn to keep an open mind, closely listen to the views of others and challenge my own beliefs. However, traits die hard, so I frequently guard against falling backward, which certainly happens on occasion. The point being that those persons who ruffle our feathers the most may inadvertently remind us of and help us better understand our own foibles, hopefully as a prelude to addressing them.
Gushy Kumbaya?
Adam, a 30-something client with relationship issues, both at work and home, was a case in point. For him, being around people who were emotionally sensitive, expressive and caring was an instant turn-off.
“These gushy kumbaya types really rile me,” he complained.
A bit of probing revealed that Adam was afraid of being emotionally open and, therefore, vulnerable. His early life experiences taught him, the hard way, that expressing so-called soft feelings such as empathy, sorrow, love and the like came with emotional risks. During his childhood, whenever he “went soft” around others, as he put it, ridicule and mockery soon followed. So, as an adult, when he saw folks displaying behaviors he learned to repress in himself, he reacted with anger; the emotional mask that often disguises underlying fear.
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“Maybe you see in them what you dislike or are afraid of in yourself,” I told Adam, a suggestion he first reacted to with disbelief.
Unwelcome Parts of Ourselves
For many of us, being put off by something in others that also exists in ourselves operates outside our awareness. Using a “not me” sleight of mind, when we encounter a feeling or behavior in someone that is also an unwelcome part of our own psychological repertoire, we disown it. Rather than recognizing it for what it is, a mirror image of something inside ourselves, we assign it solely to the other individual. In Adam’s case, instead of contemplating the hidden message behind his own repulsion toward so-called touchy-feely types, he kept his blinders on. That is until I did my best to rip them off. Once he recognized how his childhood experiences fostered an aversion to certain kinds of emotional expression and vulnerability, it became far easier to feel empathy for others, rather than disdain.
Does that mean that every time we encounter someone we can’t stand we should embrace the experience in the name of personal growth? Certainly not. There are folks who are off-putting not because they reflect something inside us, but because they violate one of our cherished moral values or life principles. Nonetheless, when we encounter those we find insufferable, it may be worthwhile to pause and contemplate the source of our disquiet. Carolyn, another former client, did just that. She actively embraced the chance to learn about herself by exploring her emotional responses to those persons she simply couldn’t stand. When she detected in them something unwelcome in her own psyche, she engaged in self-examination.
“Most of the time, I learned something valuable about my own tendencies and stopped having strong knee-jerk reactions toward others showing the same traits,” she concluded.
So, once we determine what sort of persons push our hot buttons, we can use that knowledge to explore our own personality. After all, life is school, even if we don’t always like the teacher.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
