Image: twentyfourworks - Getty Images
Retro couple in heart
Renee was a 20ish grad student who felt confused about the dating scene. She’s hardly alone in that. Attractive, intelligent and well spoken, she was mystified by her inability to attract males in the social settings she frequented, mostly smaller parties, dances and various school functions.
“Am I sending some sort of unconscious message that tells men to stay away?” she pondered.
“It could be your flirtation style,” I suggested.
Research shows that, in communicating romantic interest, we tend to conform to one of five types of flirtation—traditional, polite, physical, sincere or playful. Renee is a traditional type. Women within her style believe men should make the first move. This somewhat passive posture is less likely to garner another person’s attention, as it may be construed as indifference or an overall “I’m not looking” message. Men who embrace the traditional mode also believe they should make the initial approach, but often are slow to do so. Why? Many folks who are traditional flirters tend to be somewhat socially reserved or even introverted, rarely doing well in the bar scene or large social gatherings.
Polite Approach
In contrast, the polite approach to flirting has more of an extroverted flavor, one in which both women and men assert themselves in approaching a prospective date. However, they confine the interaction to what they consider proper courtship—that being the absence of sexual conversation, innuendo or suggestive teasing, at least early in the relationship. Unlike traditional flirters, people with this style aren’t reticent to put themselves out there but are turned off by an over emphasis on physical attraction or sex appeal. “Keep it clean” is how one described it.
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
Inversely, those who favor a physical style of flirtation are comfortable with a more visibly erotic approach to potential partners. If they sense a high degree of sexual chemistry with someone, they make that obvious, rather than being coy. Not surprisingly, those who favor traditional or polite flirting often regard those with a physical style as crude or as “players.” Renee was so inclined and spoke disparagingly about those who “make a play” for others in this manner, claiming they “objectify” people.
Sincere Style
In contrast, a sincere flirtatious style is characterized by the desire for emotional intimacy above all else, including physical attraction. Women gravitate toward this approach more than men, as do older or more mature daters of any gender. In searching for a heartfelt connection, they quickly move past small talk, often favoring self-disclosure at a deeper level. Rather than assessing prospective partners based on outward appearance or social status, they focus on values, character and emotional intelligence, those attributes that are not, as we say, skin deep.
Finally, the playful flirtatious style is the opposite of the sincere one. These folks flirt to bolster their self-esteem and frequently describe it as “just having fun.” Often, their flirting is not indicative of romantic interest in the other person, which isn’t surprising because research suggests these folks are less adept at emotionally intimate relationships. They may be regarded as a “tease” and are at greater risk of having their intentions misinterpreted.
Each style reflects what a person wants in a romantic pairing. Based on her intent, I encouraged Renee to adopt a combined sincere/polite style, one that would make her interest in someone more obvious but also proper, which traditional folks favor. This required some practice and role playing, which she did with a platonic male friend, who also suggested she try an online dating service. The latter can afford someone greater control over whom to flirt with and how. Before long, her new approach yielded a promising romantic interest who, not surprisingly, also had a sincere/polite style.
When it comes to flirting, similar styles attract, contradicting the ubiquitous myth that “opposites attract.” Often, a person’s flirtatious preference reflects their underlying personality traits and values, which are what usually drives attraction. In this sense, a person’s way of flirting represents the opening message they send about who is “in there.”
Reading it and heeding it constitute an important dating skill.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
