On the optimism continuum, those I call the “positivity police” represent the lunatic fringe. These are folks who insist on painting a silver lining around any cloud, no matter how dark and stormy. And while their intentions are not to hurt, they often end up doing just that. It is ironic that these folks create a negative by applying a positive. Jean’s situation was a case in point.
Beset by a life-threatening health condition and unable to continue in her much-loved profession, she quickly found herself surrounded by well-meaning family and friends who repeatedly exposed her to their brands of toxic positivity.
“One told me I was going to be fine, that I’d come out of this stronger, and I just need to put my faith in the Lord,” she explained. “Another gave me a pep talk about how if I just fought hard enough and kept my hopes up, all would be well.”
As one might expect, that made Jean feel negated or, as she put, “invisible.”
Empty Sympathy
“There you are hurting in so many ways, and someone tries to override your fear and anger with their empty sympathy. It’s easy for these people to paint a rosy picture. They aren’t staring death in the face,” she continued.
Sympathy is a common interpersonal instrument in the positivity police’s toolkit. They fail to recognize that “there-there” attitudes and “everything will be alright” platitudes are not helpful or healing. They are, in fact, abjectly hurtful. What’s more, as wise psychotherapist Brené Brown tells us, sympathy drives disconnection. The person who is hurting is left feeling even more alone.
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“It would be better if they said nothing at all,” Jean concluded.
Genuine Empathy
What does heal, of course, is genuine empathy, which is feeling with the person in distress. Being empathic involves far more emotional risk than dishing out sympathy. Why? Well, to connect with that person’s pain, I must access some of my own. I must get in touch with something in my own experience that is analogous to the other person’s situation and distress. And, often enough, that hurts. However, the benefit to the other person is tangible. Empathy creates a felt-understanding that affirms the afflicted individual’s reality. They feel less alone.
But sympathy is not the only tool the positivity police employ. Many use what I call “impositional speech.” This occurs when someone tries to put words in your mouth and your mind in an effort to impose their emotional tone on what you experienced. For example, if I say, “You enjoyed the party, didn’t you?” or “I’ll bet you had a great time,” the message is clear . . . you should have enjoyed the party. Rather than openly inquiring about what you experienced (“How did you feel about the party?”), they try to whitewash it with their “ain’t-life-wonderful”bias. Meaning you should be positive about it, even if you had a rotten time.
Which explains, in part, what drives some positivity police. They are uncomfortable with that which is uncomfortable, harboring a palpable disquiet with negative events and feelings. In some, this is driven by an acute sensitivity to emotions in general combined with an aversion to those that are negative. As such, it is a kind of psychological defense mechanism, one intended to protect that person from the distress they experience when exposed to suffering, emotional distress, conflict and gloom.
Let’s Be Real
A dysfunctional brew of aphorisms underpins this over-the-top positivity movement. You’ve heard and perhaps been a victim of these stock phrases, such as “Time heals all wounds” and “What doesn’t destroy you makes you stronger” and “This too shall pass” and “God never gives us more than we can handle” . . . I could go on. Well-intended as these utterances might be, they miss an essential element; hearing and validating the suffering of the afflicted person.
Is there a place for optimism, positive encouragement and a hopeful mindset? You bet. But not when someone is writhing in the throes of suffering, sadness or angst. At such times, that individual does not need us to fix how they feel. They need us to table the positivity for another time and simply feel how they feel.
It’s more helpful to be real than to be positive.
