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Couple yelling at each other
This Valentine’s Day finds many couples who share disparate political views locked in a less than romantic embrace. Marie and Bob provide a case in point.
“My husband is a MAGA Republican,” she explained at our initial couples counseling session, frowning.
“And she’s a liberal Democrat, a socialist,” he added.
Deeply divided along political lines, Marie and Bob are struggling to keep the peace in their 15-year marriage, and largely failing. “Just talking about the news usually starts an argument or even a shouting match,” Bob explained.
“And the kids . . . well, as soon as politics comes up, they leave the room because they know what’s next,” Marie added.
Where’s the Moderation?
I thought back to my parents. Dad was an Eisenhower-style Republican, meaning moderate, and Mom was a Kennedy Democrat, also a moderate. And while today’s version of these respective political parties is far more divisive, they still took pains not to cross swords in this regard. However, they did occasionally joke about their differences, which discharged any tension around the topic.
On election day, when Mom would return after voting, she would quip to him, “Warren, I just cancelled out your vote.” They’d both chuckle.
But times have changed. The liberal and conservative positions that Marie and Bob occupy are more distant and strident than those of political antagonists just a few decades past. Like many therapists, I encounter an increasing number of couples and family members who struggle with politically induced conflicts. Research bears this out. Today, those on the right and left are far more polarized and hostile toward each other, sometimes fueling schisms in friendships, family relationships and marriages. In some partnerings, these verbal firefights even lead to divorce. What to do?
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First, it’s important to distinguish between disputes driven primarily by differences of opinion as opposed to those reflecting a more fundamental dysfunction in the relationship. For example, if partners essentially dislike each other, then politics is merely a flash point for an underlying disconnect in their bond. This flash point can be anything—finances, child rearing, housekeeping, you name it. But whatever form it takes, it’s not the real issue, but simply the rope in their interpersonal tug-of-war.
Mending the Rift
When this proves the case, efforts at mending the rift should not focus on politics (or whatever), but on the core predicament, which is the persistent disrespect or disdain for each other. Settling a feud over foreign or fiscal policy won’t heal a dysfunctional pairing.
“Do you two find common ground on other matters?” I asked them.
For the most part, they do, suggesting their marriage has more points of connection than separation. Absent these linkages, the prognosis for their relationship would be far more dire.
For those couples grappling with a political divide, here’s some considerations:
1. Recognize that when it comes to changing another person’s mind, arguing is akin to spitting into the wind, and a pretty stiff one. Debates usually deepen divisions rather than mend them, often creating a blowback effect where each party digs their heels in deeper.
2. A respectful relationship is one in which each person upholds the right of the other to harbor their own opinions. Diverse views are honored, not attacked. We don’t possess our partner. They remain an individual, not an interpersonal satellite.
3. You have a right to your viewpoint, but that doesn’t give you license to ram it down your partner’s throat. A couple who disagree politically but don’t try converting each other fare far better.
4. Don’t throw emotional grenades. You know what will trigger your partner, so don’t deliberately say and do things certain to set them off.
5. If you must discuss politics, search the internet for “fighting fair,” read up on it, and then apply the principles therein. Contrary to what most politicians and pundits demonstrate, we can disagree without insulting each other.
Comedian Groucho Marx said, “Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.”
Nevertheless, in a marriage, politics can make estranged bedfellows.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
