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Conflict
Carrie endured boisterous neighbors who played loud music and partied hard into the wee hours of the morning. She did all the recommended things—asked politely, asked not so politely, called the neighborhood association—and while her efforts netted temporary lulls, the problem continued to resurface all too often. She felt violated.
After 10 years on the job, Fred began reporting to a new and much younger manager who, unlike his previous boss, never asked his opinion, constantly criticized his work and micro-managed his every move. Just a couple of years short of retirement, he decided to bite his lip and keep his head down. He felt demeaned.
Nancy’s teenage daughter dropped out of high school, took up with a crowd she considered “scary,” and pretty much did whatever she pleased. Nancy first tried reasoning with her, then cajoling and finally threatening, all to no avail. Worried, angry and frustrated, she threw up her hands and did her best to stay sane. She felt defeated.
While their circumstances may sound dissimilar, each of these folks wrestled with the same dilemma — control over important aspects of their lives. The actions of others diminished their sense of personal sovereignty. Like most of us, the spheres of influence they sought were modest, often encompassing one’s domicile, work experience, physical self and close relationships.
Full of Themselves
Unfortunately, there are disrupters who make these aspirations difficult, including those who intrude on the freedom and privacy of others, control freaks who apply mental strangleholds, as well as people simply too full of themselves to give a rat’s rump about how their actions affect folks in their lives. Carrie’s neighbors were selfish and inconsiderate. Fred’s boss proved drunk with power. Nancy’s daughter lived by the code of “me, my, mine.” When assailed by such people, we feel less and less ownership of our lives. While some folks are willing to relinquish their self-determination in exchange for being taken care of or to avoid conflict, they pay a price in diminished self-worth and, often, depression stemming from feeling helpless/hopeless. Absent some sense of personal autonomy, it’s normal to feel trapped, diminished or defeated.
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As Carrie said of her loud neighbors, “It’s like a home invasion that leaves you feeling violated and afraid.” When this occurs, some of us try to reassert the control that’s been wrestled away by taking direct action, as Carrie did. Others, like Fred, must look for alternative avenues to exercise their autonomy, or else risk very negative consequences. And, as with Nancy, some simply surrender, convinced the challenge is insurmountable.
Eventually, Carrie filed an official complaint with the police, purchased noise cancelling headphones and installed sound dampening window shades. While often difficult, Carrie’s approach—trying to assert autonomy—usually proves the best. We may not always achieve the outcomes we desire, but action, rather than submission, at least helps sustain our sense of personal power and self-respect.
“I’m just not willing to raise the white flag,” she told me.
Because assertiveness could cost Fred his job, which he couldn’t afford, he opted to assert autonomy elsewhere, starting a part-time gig on the side. His compensatory strategy did nothing to alleviate the machinations of his puppet master manager, but knowing he had a side hustle where his self-determination remained intact made it easier to endure.
In contrast, Nancy, feeling overwhelmed, capitulated to her daughter’s power grab by cutting her loose, abandoning her previously futile efforts to assert a positive and protective impact. As she put it, “The more I tried to reason with and influence her, the more frustrated and powerless I felt, so I pulled back.” This self-preservation approach involves clawing back some semblance of autonomy by focusing on what one can control . . . oneself.
When others mess with our lives in ways that threaten our sense of self-determination, they attack a near-universal and essential human need for autonomy. Taking steps to defend or reclaim this capacity is no guarantee of a good outcome. But not taking steps all but guarantees a bad outcome. It seems prudent to play the odds.
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