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Man watching online meeting
Feel like you’ve been face-planted on screens during the pandemic? Many do. A huge amount of interpersonal communication previously conducted in person has been relegated to online platforms—Zoom, FaceTime, Webex, etc. And while it’s fortunate we possess these alternative conduits during a time of so much social isolation and workplace disruption, it has taken a toll. Despite these communication platforms, research shows the pandemic has left many of us feeling more disconnected and lonelier than ever. The main culprits? Less in-person interaction, more video conferencing/chat and plenty of texting and emailing.
As social animals, we long to be in sync with others (at least some others). What we seek is called “attunement,” the experience of being on the same mental and emotional page as the other person. This shared connection pushes back against isolation and loneliness, which are primary causes of depression. When we experience attunement, we feel safe, understood and seen. Unfortunately, digital communication falls short in this regard. It is simply no substitute for the many millennia of in-person interactions that dominated and shaped our species’ interpersonal modus operandi. Our brains are built for real time interactions conducted in the flesh.
So, what is the problem with digital versus in person? First off, our neurology is facile at recognizing and responding to subtle fluctuations in other people’s so-called body language—facial expressions, gestures, postural changes, eye movements, non-linguistic vocal cues, etc. We detect most of this information subconsciously. In fact, research suggests these below-awareness inputs have a huge impact (over 90 percent) on how in sync we feel with another person. Words matter, but not nearly as much as we suppose. Yet, they constitute the bulk of digital communication.
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Sensory Deprivation
Emails and texts, for example, contain none of the vital sensory information required for attunement, and even video chat reduces them considerably. When we fire off one of these puppies, we tend to presume the other party will understand our frame of mind, mood, tonal message, etc. Not. The accounts of communication gone bad on these word-based platforms are ubiquitous. The invention of emojis has done little to offset this deficit. So, why do some prefer texting or emailing over phone or face-to-face interactions? Safety. For those prone to or worried about saying “the wrong thing” during verbal exchanges, composing a text or email facilitates editing in advance.
OK, so that seems obvious, but what about video chat? We get to see the other person, hear their voice and the rest, so what’s the impediment? There are several. For one, the 2D platform does a clunky job of conveying 3D information, meaning we aren’t wired to pick up all those below-awareness inputs while staring at a flat screen. What’s more, eye contact, which is vital in crafting trust and rapport, is slightly but significantly off kilter during a video chat. To actually look the other person in the eyes requires staring at your device’s video cam, not the person’s face on the screen, which means you don’t make direct eye contact. It also requires that we avoid looking at our own image on the video screen, something we simply can’t do while communicating in person but feel tempted to do online (“How do I look?”).
Another vital missing ingredient is touch. There is tactile touching and there is presence touching. Few actions convey how someone feels about us as much as touch. A warm handshake, a comforting embrace, a steady hand on the shoulder—these and similar gestures convey far more emotional meaning than words alone. Regarding the other kind of touching, when we feel attuned with someone in real space, that strong sense of rapport and presence conveys a kind of non-tactile physical connection. You grok the other person. Fortunately, if our relationship with someone was formed through prior in-person interactions, subsequent video chat can still convey some sense of presence and the touching vibe it creates. However, attempting to grow a deep relationship through online conduits alone is a steep hill.
Ultimately, most of us simply desire to be seen, understood and connected. And, most often, that requires sharing the same experiences in real space and actual time.
For more, read philipchard.com.
