Am I Normal—And What the Heck is Normal, Anyway?

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Illustration by Michael Burmesch

Hot dog, banana and eggplant

Being a sexuality educator is pretty much a guarantee that you’ll rarely have dull cocktail party conversations. It also means fielding lots of questions about sex in a variety of different venues. In my case, this ranges from formal classroom settings to question-and-answer events at colleges, church basements, and bars (and informally at those cocktail parties).

The idea of question-and-answer events will often pique folks’ curiosity. What kinds of things do people ask? Is it like Jeopardy, but with sex trivia? (I’ll take Fetishes for $400, please.) At Q&A sessions, participants ask about anything that is on their minds, and questions are submitted anonymously—thus removing any embarrassment factor. Topics range from lighthearted to profound, often reflecting vulnerability and honesty. 

While there are usually a few quiz-show-style entries (i.e., “How many calories are in semen?”), a large portion of submissions can be categorized as “Am I Normal?” questions. “Am I Normal” questions can sometimes overlap with what seems like the pursuit of trivia, but they are undergirded by concerns about what is considered “normal,” either socio-culturally or medically. Queries such as “How big is the average penis?” or “When does menopause start?”—while asking for data on their face, are also asking larger questions about where we fit in with our peers. “It is OK that one of my breasts is bigger than the other?” or “My erections aren’t like they used to be—should I worry?” are questions that may arise from worries about whether our bodies are healthy. And inquiries like “I’m a 40 year old cisgender woman who has never had an orgasm during intercourse—what can I do?” or “I’ve been in an open relationship with my partner for a year … why do I still feel jealousy?” may stem from feelings that we’re doing sex or relationships “wrong,” or that we’re somehow at fault when our experiences don’t live up to pre-conceived notions or culturally-imposed norms.

Whenever we ask “Am I Normal” questions, it can be helpful to examine our underlying assumptions about what is “normal” to begin with, and then start to think critically about whether those assumptions are accurate or beneficial to our well-being.

Is Bigger Better?

For example, let’s revisit the question about average penis size. There have been lots of penis size studies over the years—some better than others in terms of methodology. A 2014 review published in the British Journal of Urology International (BJUI) considered 17 studies totaling over 15,000 participants, finding average flaccid penis size to be 3.6 inches, and average erect penis size to be 5.16 inches. Note, this is an average; 90% of participants fell within a range of 4.13 to 6.2 inches erect. Interestingly, an erect penis length of 6.3 inches fell into the 95th percentile—meaning out of 100 people with penises, only about 5 of them will measure 6.3 inches or longer.

Regarding our underlying assumptions about “normal,” many people—especially many men—believe that larger-than-average penises are far more common than they are. Couple this misperception with persistent cultural messages telling us that larger penises are better, and you’ve got a recipe for a whole bunch of people believing their penises to be inadequate. Indeed, many guys who seek penis enlargement via pumps, unproven supplements, or surgery have average-sized penises, or sometimes larger than average!

The anxiety in these cases is fueled by narratives around penis size, masculinity, and attractiveness, as well as a cultural tendency to reduce male sexuality to the performance of an erect penis to the exclusion of all else. The ubiquity of porn may also contribute to the problem, where larger penises are over-represented, and photography techniques can negatively impact viewer body image.

And what of the “bigger is better” messaging that we’re led to believe about penis size? Better for what? Better to gaze upon, or to adorn with holiday lights? The assumption here is that all people who engage in sex involving a partner with a penis will want to be penetrated by that penis, and that a larger-than-average size will be more pleasurable. But is that a universal truth? While some people do indeed enjoy a partner with a larger-than-average penis, plenty of others find a large size to be uncomfortable or even painful during penetration. Many partners report size doesn’t matter for them as much as technique or position. And let’s not forget those for whom penetration just isn’t their interest during sex! Finally, while some folks might choose their partners based on penis size, it is not usually the sole factor that influences who we want to get busy with. Our attraction to other human beings is based on a host of factors, and the ways we enjoy sexual activity is also quite varied. To believe claims that a large penis is of utmost importance to satisfying sex is to ignore the incredible variation in human sexuality.

So when we find ourselves wondering whether our bodies, relationships, or sexual activities are “normal,” I encourage folks to consider the words of sexuality educator Emily Nagoski from a 2018 TED talk: “What even is normal, and why is that what you want your sexuality to be?” Nagoski continues, “What [people] are really asking is ‘Do I belong?’ Do I belong in this relationship? Do I belong in this community of people? Do I belong on earth as a sexual person? To which the answer is always a resounding yes … There is no script, no box you have to fit into.” I couldn’t agree more. It is often outside of restrictive boxes where we are able to find joyful expression of our sexual selves.