Photo by Jon Mattrisch - Getty Images
Milwaukee skyline with the river
Milwaukee skyline
Former President Donald J. Trump seemed to be in good spirits Monday night when he unexpectedly showed up with his bandaged ear at Milwaukee’s Fiserv Forum to sit with his newly selected vice presidential nominee, JD Vance.
Now that Trump appears to be doing well after that assassination attempt, I think he might want to see a bit more of Milwaukee—a city he recently called “horrible.”
So, Mr. Trump, assuming you will now have proper and enhanced Secret Service protection, I’m offering you an exclusive tour of my horrible hometown.
I will show you parts of the city where crime and shootings are rampant and many drivers think stoplights are optional. This will help back up your explanation that you were merely referring to the city’s crime when you called Milwaukee a horrible city in a meeting with Republican lawmakers last month. It’s essential, of course, that the Secret Service provide a bullet- and crash-proof SUV and armored motorcade that can maneuver the city’s potholes.
But we’ll also tour all the cool places of the city, the eclectic neighborhoods, the wonderful museums, including the renowned Calatrava wing at the Milwaukee Art Museum, and the amazing lakefront. At Bradford Beach, you may feel like you are backstage at the Miss USA Pageant. On Lake Drive, we can drive past the historic and grandiose mansions that would rival Mar-a-Lago without the outrageously inflated prices. If modern is desired, we can stop at the sparkling new 44-story Couture right on the lakefront in downtown Milwaukee where the luxurious penthouse apartment rents for a mere $11,650 a month, a bargain compared to what your fellow one-percenters pay in New York.
I will be sure to include all the classic Milwaukee tasty treats. If burgers are your thing (I may have heard that), George Webb is the classic diner found all over the city. And Milwaukee is renowned for its frozen custard. We can stop for a cone at Kopp’s, Leon’s, Gilles—or all three! My treat! Wisconsin is the dairy state, after all. My out-of-town friends love that I take them to secret taverns along hidden waterways and Mexican dive bars where the cheap tacos served on paper plates are the best they ever had. We can stop at the Harley-Davidson Museum (some of your supporters ride “Milwaukee Iron”); the Holler House, which is the oldest sanctioned bowling alley in the United States (some of supporters bowl, too); and perhaps even the Potawatomi Casino Hotel, where some of your supporters might go to escape the heat (not caused by climate change) and gamble (undoubtedly, so they can win big and buy more $60 Trump bibles or $399 Trump sneakers). Nearby is MobCraft Beer, which recently released a new beer (and T-shirt) in your honor called “(Not So) Horrible City IPA.” We can stop at the taproom, where you can offer a few more excellent suggestions.
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Born and raised in Milwaukee, I’ll provide an insider’s perspective of the city with all its warts. If you want, we can stop to talk with discouraged workers who can’t find a job, social workers who seem overwhelmed, police officials who can’t catch a break, and frustrated political leaders who have tried for decades to implement policies that help the community. Milwaukee has long faced serious issues regarding segregation, education, housing, mental illness and crime. My own family has been caught in the maddening circle of mental illness and the justice system in Milwaukee County—just in the past year my brother lost both his son at age 34, and a grandson at age 19.
Since you seem to admire crime bosses like “Alphonse” Capone, I’ll lead you through where the fruit and vegetable merchants of Commission Row were a big part of the scene in Milwaukee’s Historic Third Ward. My late mom would take me to the taverns there, where she knew some local mobsters. The Milwaukee Public Market, recently named the best public market in the USA, is nearby, so we can grab a Diet Coke there on our way to our tour’s final stop, reflective of the “American carnage” you vowed to halt in your inauguration speech in January 2017. We won’t speak of the carnage—I mean, tourism—at the U.S. Capitol four years later. Saturday’s assassination attempt, which resulted in the killing of a volunteer firefighter and the wounding of two other rallygoers, is another tragic reminder that American carnage continues.
So, despite the crazy and scary past week, our last stop will be a vacant lot where the apartment building of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, the “Milwaukee Cannibal,” once stood. One entrepreneur has even started a Jeffrey Dahmer tour of infamous sites near that apartment, where he had killed several of his 17 victims before being arrested in 1991. Dahmer was later convicted and sentenced to 15 life sentences and a fellow inmate killed him in 1994. The apartment building had been torn down in 1992. On the Dahmer tour’s “Wisconsin Frights” website, it promises to lead visitors through Milwaukee locations where Dahmer would find his victims “before taking them back to his apartment for dinner.”
Despite all its problems, I am proud of my hometown. So, Mr. Trump, if you are looking for something to do while you’re in Milwaukee this week, please reach out. The Secret Service is on highest alert and, most assuredly, will keep you safe. I will try to make the tour fun. Perhaps even educational. And I promise, no reading required.
