News of the Weird newspapers illustration
Buena Vista Burrito Bandit
In late May, an inmate at Buena Vista Correctional Facility in Buena Vista, Colo., tipped off officials that an employee there was bringing drugs into the prison. On Tuesday, July 2, the Department of Corrections nabbed their man: Trevor Martineau, 27, a corrections officer. According to KDVR, officials found a burrito in Martineau’s lunch box. But besides the typical ingredients one might expect to find in a burrito, it also contained about “91 grams of meth, 26 grams of heroin and 46 strips of suboxone.” Martineau reportedly said he was paid $1,000 to bring the drugs into the prison. He was charged with first-degree introduction of contraband and three charges of unlawful possession of a controlled substance. He also lost his job.
Sock It to Me
In Shawnee, Ok., Brandon Killian, 29, was already in trouble for brutally beating Jarric Carolina in a June brawl. But as he sat in custody, he told an officer that his face was injured from being “first socked” during the fight. When the officer left the room to get a camera, Killian, who was being recorded, punched himself multiple times in the face, using one hand to propel the other fist into his cheek. His charges now include preparing false evidence, KFOR reported. “Lying to the police and creating a false report will not be tolerated,” warned District Attorney Allan Grubb. Killian is currently serving time in the Oklahoma County Jail for a separate drug court violation.
Let Them Eat Cake
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A kindly grandfather—who just wanted to treat nurses at Warrington Hospital in Cheshire, England, for the good care given to a relative—unwittingly gave them a red velvet cake laced with cannabis on Monday, May 27. According to Sky News, the man obtained the cake which was left over from his grandson’s 18th birthday party and presented it to staff at the hospital. An unnamed staff member said three or four of the nurses were “off their faces” afterward, and another noted how “relaxed” they all were. Cheshire police destroyed what remained of the cake after the incident.
Rent-a-Nap
Car rental companies in Japan began noticing last summer that some customers were putting very few miles on their vehicles, so they conducted surveys to find out what renters are using the cars for, reported The Asahi Shimbun, and discovered that one in eight renters were using cars for something besides transportation, to wit: napping, talking on the phone, eating lunch, watching TV and doing stretches said to reduce the size of their face. One respondent said she uses rented cars to store bags and other belongings because coin-operated lockers are sometimes all in use. Renting is cheap in Japan, costing only a few hundred yen (several dollars).
Bird Brain
Ted Richards of Bristol, England, isn’t your run-of-the-mill bird lover. He admires parrots so much that he has had his face tattooed with feathers and his eyes colored with tattoo ink, risking blindness. HuffPost reported that Richards, who prefers to go by “Ted Parrotman,” also had his ears removed, which has impaired his hearing. “Parrots only got little holes for ears, so I had them cut off,” he said. “I didn’t think about the complications, you know? Because if you looked at the negative all the time, you’d never do anything.”
Hostile Business Environment
Jung Soon Wypcha, 66, took retail competition to a new level in Indian Shores, Fla., in June, where, over several days, she sabotaged Lu Lu’s Ice Cream Shop, which is located next door to her Indian Shores Food Mart. The two shops share a bathroom and, starting on Monday, June 17, video showed Wypcha used the bathroom with the door open and didn’t wash her hands, then went to the ice cream freezer and put her hands into the containers; picked her nose, then put her hands into the containers; and spit into the containers. But her piece de resistance took place five days later, when she urinated into an ice cream bucket, then dumped the bucket in a sink where ice cream utensils and bowls are washed. Lu Lu’s owner, Paul Chiulli, told the Tampa Bay Times that Wypcha ruined $2,000 worth of ice cream and forced his shop to close for a week. She was charged with criminal mischief and tampering with consumer products, both felonies.
© 2019 ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION
