- I'm considering committing a crime so I can go to jail and escape my problems. I've prosecuted crime for over a decade…
- I accidently served spoiled wine to my in-laws but convinced them that it was a special blend from Italy…they thought it was so chic…Idiots!
- Using my electronics during take-off & landing will never be as fun now that I don't have to hide it from the flight attendants!
- I ran out of clean boxers last week so I’ve been letting “the boys” hang free for the past few days instead of doing laundry….it’s surprisingly enjoyable.
- I volunteered for the Democratic party, and Tom Barrett...as soon as I got all my flyers, and yard signs, they went into the first dumpster I found!
- The only reason I go home for the holidays is to see my family dog. I honestly couldn’t care less about seeing anyone else.
- Little do you know that my New Year’s resolution for 2014 is to find the strength to divorce you.
- I wish I could tell my co-worker’s wife that there is nothing going on between us. He just asks for a woman’s perspective on how he can be better to you and I am there to help. Please stop hating me.
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- I will never forgive you for choosing the Army over me. Was it really worth it?
- None of the guys know, but I cry behind my goalie mask during every hockey game. It’s the only time I can release my emotions without anyone knowing.
- It’s my little secret that while your boyfriend was shopping for your engagement ring with me, we kissed on the ride home…while I was wearing your ring.
