I decided to talk about love for this column, specifically from my point of view as a black gay man. That radical love in a time where being just a black male in some spaces can cause purse clutches and snarls. That self-love to say I am worth it—not only to love someone of the same gender but also of the same race openly (and proudly). Love in this world, and in the LGBTQ community, is difficult to find at best and exhausting at worse. In a society where swiping left or swiping right will generally get you a date and potentially more, finding that real, everlasting love that can withstand the growing pains of bringing two separate people together is both remarkable and possible. To be in a gay relationship, especially two gay black men in a relationship, is to grab the bull by the horns and say, “Alright world, let’s go!”
You have to fight for acceptance and validation. You have to prepare for the inevitable moment where you might get an odd stare from your own tribe, which cuts a little harder as a group within an already oppressed minority. You have to deal with the potentially unwelcoming family member or the zealot screaming from across the street because they know better than to actually approach. You have to be certain that your partner, without a shadow of a doubt, has your best interest at heart at all times and that you have their complete and total trust. This is your loyal sidekick in the buddy comedy that is potentially the rest of your life. There’s a little bit of luck to find someone you feel is worth the trials that may come and being willing to support them through it all.
I’ve been lucky in my life to find that love, because age doesn’t always equal wisdom. I fell in love with a person I truly believe is quite possibly the most amazing person in the world. He’s probably reading this and preparing to dig himself into a hole to hide from such a public display of affection, so I will keep it brief: His smile, his eyes and his personality. The way the sun shines off of his flawlessly perfect skin just amazes me. Yep, I’m still butterflies in the stomach, disgustingly sweet over him.
We are not close to perfect. It’s hard trying to balance out a relationship with things like work, family, friends and maybe your own personal moment to just silently read a book and decompress from the stresses of life. We both had moments where we probably checked our bank accounts to make sure we had enough money to bail ourselves out of jail because one left dishes in the sink and didn’t wash them for a few days or one just abandoned their towel on the bed of all places after drying off while getting dressed... But the love was there and that’s all that matters.
Maintaining that love is a constant job that demands and deserves the attention required. Communication, Compromise and Caring are the three Cs to happily ever after. Making sure there is less “I” statements and more “us and we” is important. Open honest communication is the most important thing. Being equally yoked on issues like finances, career ambitions, educational attainment and life goals are the difference between happily ever after and deleting pictures off of Facebook. Being able to compromise for the sake of relationship. Knowing when you’ve found that moment where your partner will ask “Can we do this for me” and it won’t be a selfish request but a decision to be made about what direction you are both headed. And yes, you absolutely have to do the little things. Drop off random gifts and tell him you love him more today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today.
I personally hope everyone has the chance to experience love this Valentine’s Day or in their lifetimes. Someone to place your head and your cares on their shoulders, and in return for you to do the same. Happy Valentine’s Day!
