Hello readers! As you likely discovered, Shepherd Express has gone digital only until shops, bars, restaurants and our other distribution points open to the public again. But don’t worry! The staff of Shepherd Express and I are still here for you, uploading news, reviews, lifestyle hacks and more to get you through this quarantine quandary.
I miss writing my weekly social calendar, but I’m also happy to have a bit more time to address the questions sent by you all...many of which are prisoners. (How do you guys get my column behind bars?) Regardless, let’s pop open a cold brew, mix up a “quarantine” or sip a corona coffee and read a few messages recently received from readers.
Whether you’re sitting on the john reading this on your phone, looking at a laptop when you should be working or simply taking a break from your crazy kids, I’m sure there’ll be something here to put a smile on your face. Now, let’s see what a few of our fellow Milwaukeeans are up to, shall we?
Dear Ruthie,
I hate my roommate. No. I fucking hate my roommate. I can’t stand her, but she seems to really like me. Like, I’m her only friend in the world. I know that once I move out, her social life will be down to zero, and this makes me feel bad, so I stay. But I can’t stay anymore because I hate her. And this being stuck with her during the quarantine is escalating things. How can I get out this without hurting her too much?
Please Publish This,
Tired Tyra
Dear Tyra,
The answer is simple: Tick her off until she kicks you out by becoming the worst roommate possible. I’m not talking about leaving a dirty dish here and there. I’m talking about leaving your toenail clippings in her bed. Pee in the shower...whiles she’s taking a bath. Don’t just eat all of her food. Visit her parents and eat all of their food as well—then sleep with her dad. Sell her panties on eBay, and send her bras to her high-school teachers. Fart. A lot.
Or, you could take the mature route. (BORING!) You might want to explain that you’ve always wanted to live alone, and you think you need to take this next step in your life. Ask for her support in this difficult decision. Whether or not you continue any sort of relationship after the move is your call, but there’s no need to be mean or spiteful once you move. After all, you clearly care about her or wouldn’t be so concerned with hurting her feelings...and that’s a good thing!
Dear Ruthie,
I’m stuck at home without a job and going crazy like everyone else in the world. I always wanted to write a book. Have you? Someone said you did. This is a good time to write. I figure, but where do I start? How did you start?
(Signed)
A Novel Idea
PS I like to drink vodka.
Dear Novel,
Thank you for the “PS.” That answers a lot of my questions, particularly your inability to come up with a name for which to sign your message. Maybe “I Like To Drink Vodka” is the working title of your novel, or perhaps it’s a catchy subhead? Regardless, you’ve got my attention, kid.
Starting can be tough, but writers write. (Let’s get cliché, shall we?) Start by journaling. Just sit down and write. Write whatever comes to your mind. Write about a funny thing that happened to you, a scary dream, a really hot lay, or your mom. (That was weird. I know.) Just write. Don’t worry if it’s good or not. No one will ever see it. Ever. Do this every day for a week. Write something different every day.
Go back and re-read your journal the following week. Read it with a slightly critical eye. How could you tell the story differently? Would you? Does the journal entry make you feel a certain way? Was there one type of entry you enjoyed writing more than another?
Continue writing, waiting and reading and you’ll find yourself in a better place to start a longer piece, such as short story or a Penthouse letter. (Old reference, I know.) If you’re not already doing so, read! The more you read, the better writer you’ll be.
Read, write, read, write, send me an erotic story about me and the Hemsworth brothers, read, write, and then write some more. This will tell you if there’s a writer in you or not. Good luck!
As far as a book from me? Not yet, but keep an eye out, sugar!
Ask Ruthie a question at DearRuthie@Shepex.com. Follow her on Instagram @ruthiekeester and Facebook at Dear Ruthie. Don’t miss her hilarious reality show on YouTube—“Camp Wannakiki,” on YouTube now.
