Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So I hear our Gov. Snidely Whiplash has tossed his conniving cap into the crowded Republican ring of wannabe-presidential contenders. Good lord. I don’t know what to say, but Debbie Wasserman Schultz, chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee does: “More of his aides have been indicted than people in Wisconsin have been convicted of voter impersonation.” Amen.
And speaking of prayer, how ’bout the hullabaloo over the condom portrait of Pope “Eggs” Benedict XVI down by the Milwaukee Art Museum? As a former matriculator years ago over at Our Lady In Pain That You Kids Are Going Straight To Hell But Not Soon Enough, I have to say that the guy always struck me as one hell of a cocksure pontiff, so I do not get what the fock people’s problem with the painting could be. Pope Benny surely had the chutzpah went it came to his Roman Catholic faith—like Frank Booth in the movie Blue Velvet, after Frank asks Jeffrey what kind of beer he likes to drink, Frank says: “Heineken? Fock that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!” And so I am reminded of a little story that goes something like this:
St. Peter was walking a group of new souls through heaven on the “Intro to The Pearly Gates” orientation tour. They first came to a huge mosque-like building where all the Moslem souls in heaven were worshiping Allah in his all-ness. The next place they visited was a holy “stupa” where Buddhists were gathered. Then the tour dropped in on the Jews in temple, and later the Hindus within their holy shrine.
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Finally St. Peter brought the group outside the church where all the Roman Catholic souls were worshiping. “Please be very quiet as you look in on the Catholics,” St. Peter told the tour group.
“Why is that?” someone asked.
And St. Peter said, “Well sir, that’s because they think they’re the only ones up here.” Ba-ding!
Anyways, Scott Walker never got a college diploma so some people think he must be a focking moron. And yes, he very well may be a focking moron, especially when it comes to running a state, but the much ballyhooed ancient Greek philosopher Socrates also never got a diploma yet many consider him the smartest guy of all time, which reminds me of another little story:
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”
“Hey, keep your pants on a cotton-picking minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything, I’d like you to pass a little test.”
“A test?”
“That’s right, mister,” Socrates continued “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made abso-focking-lutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of goddamn Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”
“No, on the contrary...”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”
“No, not exactly.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The above exchange illustrates why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out his best friend was porking his wife. Ba-ding!
So, I got to go but don’t forget to get by Festa Italiana down there by the lakefront—and if you can’t make it over there for the fest, at least pick up a DVD of Goodfellas for your cultural enlightenment. I’ll tell you’s, that shebang’s come a long way from years ago when their modus operandi for entertainment was to see how many over-the-hill-guys named Johnny they could book to sing “New York, New York.” Although still I think they could get more bang-for-the-buck if they piggy-backed with German Fest the following weekend to create the Axis Powers Fest—the Festival to last 1,000 years—’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
