Art’s Ba-ding! Boutique

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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it’s that time of year for me to bust the door down to the seasonally annual Art’s Ba-ding! Boutique and invite you holiday freeloaders to come on in and shop for the “gift of laughter” you can give to anyone on your holiday list that you don’t feel like spending one, single focking dime on, what the fock.

Right this way is an item that might be nice for anyone who respects the religious aspect of the Yuletide season:

A man dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates greeted by St. Peter, who informs the man that he can have one wish granted as he enters heaven. The man says his wish is to ask the Virgin Mary one question. St. Peter takes the man to Mary and Mary says that she is honored to grant the man his wish and asks what is his question. The man says that in all the images he has seen of Mary—the paintings, sculptures, frescos and carvings—she always looks so sad. His question is why? Mary looks around to see if anyone else is listening then leans over and whispers in the man’s ear, “Well, to tell you the truth I really wanted a girl.” Ba-ding!

OK, then why not try this one on for size:

So these three gals arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter asks the first gal if she had been a good girl on Earth. “Oh yes,” she says. “I was a virgin before I got married and remained so throughout my long marriage.” St. Peter says, “Excellent. I give to you the Golden Key.”

St. Peter turns to the second gal and asks, “Have you been a good girl, my dear?” And she says, “Oh, quite good. I was a virgin before I got married, but after the marriage, well, you know how it goes.” And St. Peter says, “Commendable. I give to you the Silver Key.”

“And how about you,” St. Peter asks the third gal, “have you, too, been a good girl?” And she says, “I would have to say probably not—unless you call screwing anything that moved before, and after, I got married ‘good.’” And St. Peter says, “I see. And so for you…my room key.” Ba-ding!

How ’bout something for the seniors on your list that might not even make it to Christmastime?:

A very elderly lady, nearly blind, had three sons who wanted to prove who was best to her, probably to get their mitts on her dough when she died, what the fock.

Son Number One buys her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would be the best thing that any of them could offer her. Son Number Two buys her a beautiful brand-new Rolls-Royce with on-call chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval. And Son Number Three thought hard how to top his brothers, so he buys her a $30,000 parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the goddamn parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift!

So wouldn’t you know, the old lady goes to the first son and says, “Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it’s much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s too large to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.” And she says to the second son, “The car is wonderful. It has everything you could ever want, but I don’t drive; besides, I think the chauffeur’s a pervert, so please return the car.”

Then, to Son Number 3 she says, “I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious.” Ba-ding!”

Or, you might like this one better:

So these two older ladies were having their breakfast at Webb’s one morning. Norma notices something odd about Mabel’s ear and says, “Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository sticking out of your left ear?” Mabel says, “What?” So Norma repeats the question: “Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository sticking out of your left ear?” Mabel says, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulls it out, stares at it and says, “Good heavens Norma, I’m glad you noticed this thing. It gives me a good gosh darn idea where to find my hearing aid.” Ba-ding!

And over here in the kids department:

So this little girl in the second grade comes home from school and tells her mother, “This boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.” Naturally, her mother was a little nervous and asked the girl what the heck went on. And the girl says, “Nothing. He just made me wait an hour and 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.” Ba-ding!

Okey-dokey, got to close up shop. Hope you found something you liked, you cheap bastards, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.