These Dysdope-ian Times

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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a?

So listen, I noticed a couple, three headlines here and there the other week that said, “The Universe is Slowly Dying,” according to a bunch of astro-scientists—and I thought, “Hey, join the club.” And right at the top of one story: “All good things must come to an end.” Wait a second, the universe is “good”? Yeah, tell that to the latest guy who had his head lopped off by those ISIS lunatics, what the fock.

One astronomer said, “The universe has basically sat down on the sofa, pulled up a blanket and is about to nod off for an eternal doze.” In other words: a Saturday night at the Kumbalek residence. But apparently, it will take trillions of years for “all of the lights to go out.” Hey, that’s a hell of a long time to be slowly dying. I don’t care what kind of health insurance you carry, I’d hate to have to sift through those bills every month, ain’a?

And so does our summertime around here slowly die—September’s just days away for crying out loud. Seems like only yesterday I was out at State Fair, and if you were out there too, I hope you didn’t waste your time with the guy who wagers that he can guess your age and weight. It’s Wisconsin. He’ll guess you’re too old, and too focking fat. He’ll be right. You’ll lose and be out the couple, three bucks you could’ve otherwise blown on an extra goddamn cream puff, sucker.

And seemingly only yesterday I was down by the Irish Fest. Here’s a timesaving tip for you next year there: Skip the information booth if you want to know how come the Irish have all the potatoes and the Arabs all the oil. The answer will be ’cause the Irish had first pick. Ba-ding!

And now for those of you’s afflicted with affection for all things Blarney, the long, long wait ’til St. Patty’s Day commences, so here’s a little story to help pass the time:

Catholic guy enters the confessional box. To his right there’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. To his left is a shelf laden with a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars not to mention a well-thumbed stack of gentleman’s periodicals of a variety to succor any and all preferential needs. He hears the priest clear his throat from the other side of the confessional window, and so the guy says: “Father, forgive me. It’s been a heck of awhile since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days.” The priest replies: “Yes, my son. And now you will leave to go say 500 ‘Hail Mary’s’ in penance for trespassing Father’s side of the confessional.” Ba-ding!

And if you wondered, on the first day of the Kumbalek presidency I’d sign a peace treaty to end the “War on Drugs.” Any and all drugs would be legal but available only through the government ’cause we need the tax dough. Bye-bye deficit. Condos and Cadillacs for everybody—and there’d still be more than enough dough to provide our public schools and our teachers the lush life on Easy Street they deserve, what the fock.

But let’s not forget a thing or two about this education stuff. And that is some people are just plain stupid, period. No matter what the fock you try to lecture into their heads, they will never, ever be able to recall those symbols on your periodic table of elements; recall the slightest detail about that Treaty from Ghent; name, much less reconnoiter, any of those tunes by Anton Brückner.

Now maybe that some people are going to be just plain stupid is not altogether the worst thing in the world ’cause somebody’s got to wrestle alligators, somebody’s got to stand charge of the games-of-skill at carnival midways, somebody’s got to represent the former Confederate states in Congress, ain’a?

I believe there is one thing that can be done to combat this rampant stupidness submerging us all around, and that is for smart people of all colors, creeds and class to simply have more focking kids and raise the species IQ curve. Sure, call me a “smartist,” big focking deal. I feel firmly that smart people need to get together on a one-on-one basis and do their parts for the sake of a brighter future.

If we had a Homo sapien species of way smarter members, we could all save a lot of dough in taxes for education ’cause smarter people wouldn’t have to spend so much time in school. So as president, I’d declare a “War on Stupidness,” a war on the debilitating double-digit quotient of intelligence. I’ll even put my mouth where my money ought to be and be the first to enlist. And the only way to lead is through focking example. This war needs volunteers. If you’re smart, if you’re female, if you believe we need a smarter (and better-looking, what the fock) human race, I’m looking for you ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.