I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Cripes, did we get conquered by Canada and nobody told me ’cause this weather’s FOCKING RIDICULOUS. Which reminds me: How ’bout that Carrie Underwhelm belting out those show tunes on the live-TV Sound of Music the other night? And her acting—ay chihuahua—gave a whole new meaning to the word doldrum, what the fock.
So, as yesterday’s American Idol prays her ass off for me I’m aware that some of you’s may be struck dumb by your Christmas shopping obligations right about now—what should I get and which lottery game should I enter so I can pay for it.
Listen, why not this year give everyone on your goddamn list the gift of laughter ’cause it’s one thing no one can ever have too much of, I kid you not. And for you, this gift won’t cost you a focking dime and you can use the money not spent on a big ol’ bottle of holiday cheer all for yourself and drown your seasonal depression like a bag of cats over the bridge.
What follows are a couple, three items that may interest you. Feel free to stroll around the page and choose whatever catches your eye.
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Ned walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: “Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you focking idiot.”
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And Ned says: “And I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.” Ba-ding!
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So this dad sits his 10-year-old son down and asks him if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the boy says, bursting into tears. The dad’s a tad confused and asks the boy what the heck’s wrong. The boy sobs and says, “Dad, for me there was no Santa Claus when I got to be seven. No Easter Bunny at eight. No Tooth Fairy at nine. And now, if you’re telling me that grownups don’t really screw, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!” Ba-ding!
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Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate. St. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest woman in the universe.”
They all agree and St. Pete gives them the green light to pass through. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bingo! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Blammo! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their grotesque gals when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever seen by man. In unison they ask, “How did you land with that spectacular beauty when we get stuck with these loathsome ladies?”
He nudges the babe and says, “Hon, tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.” Ba-ding!
At a major medical convention a noted internist arose to announce that he had discovered a new miracle antibiotic.
“What’s it cure?” asks a member of the audience.
“Nothing we don’t already have a drug for,” the internist replies.
“Then what’s so miraculous about it?”
Internist says, “One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times.” Ba-ding!
So this blonde walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter and says, “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” The clerk, cupping his ear says, “Come again?” And the blond says, “No. This time it’s mayonnaise.” Ba-ding!
This drunk walks out of a tavern with a key in his hand and he’s stumbling back and forth all across the sidewalk. A cop sees him, approaches, and says, “Can I help you, sir?” Drunk says, “Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr.” Cop says, “And just where was your car the last time you saw it?” Drunk says, “It wasss on the end of thisshh key, ociffer.”
Right about then the cop looks down and sees that the drunk’s got his big ol’ schwanz hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. Cop asks, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?” The drunk looks down at his crotch and says, “Dang! Now my girlfriend’s gone, too!” Ba-ding!
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Okey-dokey, got to close up shop. Hope you found something you liked, you cheap bastards, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
