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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I heard our beloved Milwaukee Bucks are now basketball champions of the whole-wide world. How ’bout that? Milwaukee! “Small market” Milwaukee, what the fock.

Of course, the team could’ve packed up and moved to a more-big-time market a couple, three years ago, but our fair city plus you-and-me taxpayer put up a chunk of dough to help erect a brand-spanking new arena in which for them to bounce their balls and sky-rocket the Bucks’ revenue; thus proving Einstein’s theorem, the one which states this: Dinkelschmutz markets, under certain circumstances, may create big and fat wallets, I kid you not.

Anyways, sorry to say I can’t guarantee the competitive quality of essay I’m able to put out for you’s this week ’cause I think I’m coming down with mine own case of small market-it is; so I got the heebie-jeebies, and I sought medical attention.

My doctors told me that “small market-it is” is a condition a guy gets susceptible to when he’s exposed to an infected agent like a small-market city in a small-market state in a small-market area of the US-focking-A. Swell. So how the heck can I possibly even commence hope to compete for the really major-league ideas I can write about when I’m stuck in a cheap-ass dink market like this one? Hey, you tell me.

And then I’ll tell you that I may as well just give the fock up right now. All the hotshot ideas end up in the heads of large-market guys and the smart get smarter. As the great American philosopher Daffy Duck once said: “It is to laugh.”

Cripes, I’m into my 35th year with this news and entertainment source called the Shepherd and I have yet to hear from any of our Beer Town officials about the declaration of another Art Kumbalek Day.

(OK full disclosure: there was an “Art Kumbalek Day” in the City of Milwaukee some years back, but only me and the mayor knew about it. The only thing I got was a nice parchment paper full of “herebys” and “proclamations,” and that was it—not even a roll of quarters for the laundry did I receive. And the only recognition I got was later that day on the No. 30 bus when a guy who smelled like he had slept in a cat-litter box for the previous month offered his hand ’cause he thought he remembered me from a time we bunked together at some halfway house. Cripes.)

But yeah, a legit “Art Kumbalek Day,” and it doesn’t necessarily have to be anything majestic. How ’bout maybe a few banners up and around; a one-day ban on any and all restrictions that limit tavern hours; a couple, three grand parades down the avenue (can the clowns and bands, I’ll just need a bevy of buxom babes in those baton-twirl outfits); 24-hour TV coverage of all simpatico events and a key to the city that’ll actually focking open something, like a bank vault maybe.

But I would insist that the whole metroplex kit-and-caboodle plus business industry plus every man, woman and child not only provide a little lip service to the big day, but also pony up some big-time gifts for christ sakes; gifts at least on the scale they hand out to our revered athlete jocks every goddamn time one decides to hang up the strap and pop into town for a brief appearance at the booty ceremony.

Gift items should include (but not be limited to) a focking four-door Cadillac, a nice portable bar, helicopter, furniture, new shoes, private ambulance, fall mid-length waterproof jacket in a dark color, boat and motor along with a couple of gals in leopard-skin bikinis and spikes to soothe my troubled brow, and a radio station.

And let me add that if Art Kumbalek Day doesn’t come together and the town can’t come up with the goods, I’m as good as out of here, vaya con focking dios. And that’s ’cause I only see red when I project my “revenues” I’m expecting for the year ahead. I take that as a kick to my dupa meant to tell me that no longer can I get by in a small-market tin can. Either Our Town gets more people into the population so that it becomes big-market, or I will be forced to drive a stake through my Milwaukee County picture I.D. and go strolling a bigger green road, you betcha.

Where? You tell me—Berlin, Bangkok, Rio, Hong focking Kong, fock if I know, but anywheres they got people with deeper pockets and more of them. Yes, ’tis a pity that putting palaver to paper is all about “the business” nowadays. It’s not like years ago when every kid in the whole damn country dreamed of one day becoming the kind of newspaper guy who’d write down the first focking thing from off the top of his head just for the sheer love of getting finished writing as fast as possible so there’d be more time for tossin’ ’em back at the nearest tavern. But today is a colder, crueler world. Those cocktails cost more than they used to.

Speaking of business, I’m reminded of a little story: So this guy comes back from a long business trip and notices that his son’s got a brand-new $800 mountain bike. Naturally, he wanted to know how he got it. “Hiking,” the kid says.

“Hiking. How the heck do you get a fancy-schmancy bike by hiking? I’d like an explanation.” And the kid says, “No problem. It’s like this: Every night you were on your trip, Mom’s boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike.” Ba-ding!

And what am I to do about the fine line of Art Kumbalek merchandise I’d like to market but can’t ’cause of the pissant profile of area consumer numbers—stuff like the Art Kumbalek Safety Drinking Helmet, Art’s holiday mistletoe belt buckle, the action figure for kids, the line of AK clothing (I’m especially excited by the possibility to get into ladies undergarments one day) BUT I CAN’T FIND THE FINANCING. There’s simply just not enough cowboy, maverick yahoo knucklehead high rollers around our part of the Upper Midwest ready to toss big dough my way for the sheer hell of it. And is that supposed to be my focking fault?

Hey, you tell me ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.