Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, thanks to all who came by the “Artie Turns 30” shebang the other week, celebrating my 30 years with the Shepherd. I guess not many stay in one place for 30 years—unless you’re talking prison, what the fock. And no sir, it was not a retirement party. To a guy like me, “retire” and “expire” will occur simultaneously, I kid you not.
Now, if only we’d been able to also celebrate my nomination for president of the good ol’ U.S.A. This really should’ve been my year, for christ sakes. Hey, you already got one knobshine sporting nutbag orange headgear, why not two, ain’a?
Anyways, people keep telling me I ought to get good with this Twitter social-media ruckus ’cause America and the world could stand to know what I’m thinking and doing every cotton-focking-picking second of every cotton-focking-picking day.
But I don’t think so. I’m sure it’d cost me dough—out of the question—’cause don’t you need to buy some kind of Twit machine for the blathering to begin? Forget about it.
All I know about this Twit stuff is it has something to do with the number of your characters. And when it comes to “character,” I always refer to poet, essayist and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said, “Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams.”
Well, Ralphie boy, last night I dreamt that I was schtupping Rita Hayworth—not Ava Gardner, not Lana “The Sweater Girl” Turner, not Betty Grable or Dietrich, Monroe, or any of today’s gals they call “stars”; no sir, I was schtupping Rita focking Hayworth right out of Gilda—missionary position, smack-dab upon second base at old Milwaukee County Stadium in-betweenst games of a sold-out twi-night double-header between our Braves and the Cincinnati Pirates (hey, it’s a dream). It’s a recurring dream I’ve had for years and years, and what it says about “natural character,” fock if I know. You be the judge.
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The “character” is elemental and essential to the successful Tweet, so I hear. But the word “character” is a nuanced one: by “character” you can mean “Moral or ethical strength; integrity; fortitude”; but then there’s “character” as in the old, toothless, soiled jackass sidewinder in a western lolling outside the saloon, who will “dance” for a drink when the bad guys come shootin’-it-up into town.
Well, what the fock. Donald Trump’s getting plenty of juice off this Tweet malarkey at 140 characters a shot these days, so it’s about time I get with the times. So, suck on these Tweets why don’t you, nuance be damned:
@ ArtKbfdFU2
Had a Babe Ruth breakfast—5 hot dogs, T-bone, Jim Beam pint, baked potato, Pabst Blue Ribbon & happy ending from the escort service I called
@ ArtKbfdFU2
I’m pretty sure I’d choose an eternity in hell over a day in Texas, what the fock.
@ ArtKbfdFU2
Drop the legal drinking from age 21 to, say, 16. I propose to suggest that we put our American kids in bars instead of behind bars.
@ ArtKbfdFU2
Are dogs Man’s Best Friend ’cause they never wake you up in the middle of the focking night to “talk” about something?
@ ArtKbfdFU2
Can’t remember the title of Scott Walker’s book. Was it “Profiles in Bullshit Too Boring to Read but Thanks for Buying It Anyways, Sucker” ?
@ ArtKbfdFU2
People don’t want to vote for just any jackass. They’d rather vote for a jackass they think they know than some jackass off the street.
@ ArtKbfdFU2
For the Focks Network: “America’s Wildest and Wackiest Death Row Executions.” Load up a van full of cons and drive it off Pikes Peak.
@ ArtKbfdFU2
Cars were invented by insurance companies to rip you off legally. You got a car, get rid of it—leech rides from friends like I do.
@ ArtKbfdFU2
When will the drug companies have a pill for focksticks who can’t keep their stupid-ass big yaps shut at the motion picture theater?
@ ArtKbfdFU2
After the Olympics, can these athletes turn pro and get jobs that actually help society—like breakfast cereal salesmen?
@ ArtKbfdFU2
Superman’s from another planet—and another species. If he got hitched to Lois Lane, could Republicans swallow an inter-species marriage?
@ ArtKbfdFU2
Earth women having connubial relationships of a conjugal nature with creatures from outer space—wonder where the Bible’s on that, ain’a?
@ ArtKbfdFU2
If you could truly go fock yourself—hell with clean underwear, bathing, aftershave, straighten up the place, condoms—it’s go time, anytime.
@ ArtKbfdFU2
Got to go, toilet’s plugged. Maybe a lighter breakfast tomorrow, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
