It’s the Cupidity, Stupid

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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And to whom it may concern, I was reminded the Valentine’s Day is just around the corner when I was in the tavern last night honing the final shellac to this essay. I heard one guy say, “My wife’s an angel.” And the guy next to him says, “You’re lucky. Mine’s still alive.”

So I’d like to remind all the fellas at this late date to not forget the focking flowers ’cause the ladies go for them in a big way, I kid you not. Like this one woman who was talking to the neighbor lady “over the fence” when she sees her husband coming home carrying a bunch of some kind of flowers. “Isn’t that nice, he’s bringing you flowers,” the neighbor lady says. The woman says, “Oh, great. Looks like another weekend flat on my back with my feet up in the air!” And the neighbor says, “What—you don’t have a vase?” Ba-ding!

And I’d also like to remind the gents that I’ve read that the ladies supposedly really go for a guy with a sense of humor. You might want to take that with a grain of salt though, ’cause if that was so true how come my name’s Art Kumbalek and not Don focking Juan? You tell me. And then I’ll tell you that it couldn’t hurt to try out a little humor on your gal while you strap on the feedbag at your fancy-schmancy Valentine’s dinner, especially if it’s the first time you’s are out together. Here’s a couple, three little stories free-of-charge that are guaranteed to impress and which you should memorize so you don’t get caught with your pants down in the humor department, what the fock.

Two cannibals, father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. Deep into the jungle they went and waited near a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son says, “Hey Pops, how ’bout that one?” And the dad cannibal says, “No son. Not enough meat to even feed the dogs. We’ll wait.”

Little while later, along comes a really large woman. Son says, “Hey Dad, she’s plenty big enough, ain’a?” The dad says, “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll wait.”

And an hour later, strolling along is an abso-focking-lutely gorgeous gal. Son says, “She’s perfect. Let’s eat her.” Dad says, “No, we’ll not eat her either.” Son says, “Why the heck not?” Dad cannibal says, “Because we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.” Ba-ding!

If you’ve heard the next one, now you’re going to hear it again:

Man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously says, “Yes.

“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi. Ba-ding!

This guy walks into a bar and orders an ice-cold bottled beer, swigs it down, looks in his pocket, shudders and orders another. He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders another tall and frosty. This goes on for about two hours. Finally the bartender says, “Hey pal, it’s none of my business but I got to ask. What’s with the ‘drink, look in pocket, cringe, and order another’ routine?” And the guy says, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, it’s time for me to go home.” Ba-ding!

And if you plan to propose the betrothal on Valentine’s Day, here’s one your bride-to-be may enjoy:

Two old friends meet each other on the street. The one says to the other, “What brings you my way today, after so long?” The other says, “I’m coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law.” The one says, “I’m sorry to hear the news. But why is your face scratched all over?” And the other says, “The burial was difficult. She put up a hell of a fight.” Ba-ding!

So with the Valentine’s Day and all, good luck and god speed with your love and romance. And as tradition here dictates, let me remind you what the famous Greek philosopher Anonymous said about that: “The ideal relationship can only be achieved when one partner is blind, and the other is deaf,” ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.