Now Bitching for Milwaukee

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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So, speaking of the fact that it’s more likely that Beer Town citizens will learn to fly like Superman before elected knobshines give the high-sign to light rail AND because I read an article the other day about what a bunch of focking potty-mouths our American public has become; I’m reminded of a little story:

So this little kid’s in the living room playing Amtrak with his electric-train set. From the kitchen, the mom hears the train stop and her son say, “All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ’cause this is the last stop. All you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses onboard ’cause we’re leaving.”

The mom can’t believe what she just heard, rushes into the living room and scolds her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for the next two hours and when you come back down, you can play with your train as long as you use proper language.”

Two hours later, the boy starts playing with his train again. From the kitchen, the mom hears the train stop and the boy say, “All passengers disembarking, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us and we hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, please stow your hand luggage under the seat and enjoy your trip. For those of you pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the focking bitch in the kitchen.” Ba-ding!

And speaking of kids, I almost forgot to remind all you administrators of schools that I am once again more than available to swing by your academy on commencement day to surrender a blathering tongue-lashing, locked, loaded and aimed directly at your youthful charges. My calendar is awfully light for a guy like me this time of year, so $50 bucks and a case of ice-cold bottled beer says I’ll be there, I kid you not.

I know I’m more than likely too late for the Joe College types, but how ’bout you junior highs and preschools? Maybe your speaker had to cancel—the politician got indicted for dirty dealing or the hotshot athlete got busted on a gun charge and/or drugs possession with some domestic abuse to boot—and now you’re desperate. You need a last-second replacement and you don’t have time to care who you get. Relax. I’m not going anywhere so give me a holler, what the fock. I’d love to come by and yell at your kids until they practically pee their pantaloons, and I’ll tell you why.

I enjoy public speaking, especially by request. But more importantly, I would be a complete stranger to your young student Einsteins, especially the kindergartners who’ve been stamped for passage to first grade. In fact, I’m willing to bet you’s a buck two-eighty that ten out of nine of them wouldn’t know me from John Cameron Swayze. If I came by to speak, I would abso-focking-lutely chew these kids a new one ’cause I think strange grown-ups are too nice and polite to strange kids these days and that’s why so many wind up in trouble.

As strange adults when dealing with strange kids, I believe it ought to be the adults civic duty to exhibit and maintain a certain grouchy, sullen, condescending, snot-nose attitude that use to be popular amongst municipal government bureau clerks, DMV window personnel and neighbors. This could help keep a lot of young people out of today’s court system. For christ sakes when I was a kid, the only thing an adult ever said to anybody under the age of 15 they weren’t related to was, “Hey you focking kid, get off my goddamn lawn before I call the focking cops.” Kept a lot of kids out of jail, I seem to remember.

The shopkeepers back then also knew their way around serious ball-busting ’tude, you bet. The corner drug store we used to go to buy a pack of baseball cards (praying there’d be a Milwaukee Brave in there), you so much get within 10 feet of the comic book rack, and the old fart behind the counter would start frothing and screaming, “Hey you focking kid over there, this isn’t a goddamn library!” Jeez louise, what an asshole, but we were too overcome with the heebie-jeebies to think about swiping something.

So maybe today instead of only our “tough on crime” elected representatives and a juvenile justice system that believes you’re never too young for the death penalty being assholes to kids, we need a grassroots policy that mandates all grown-ups to be an asshole to kids they don’t know. Could it be for anything other than their own good? Hey, you tell me ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.