Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, what with the school days back on the docket for our youth, I surely do hope that the Badger State educational standards for our young Einsteins includes those grim Grimm brothers’ fairy tales for the learning. The cat’s pajamas they were for me back when I was an occasional attendee at Our Lady In Pain That You Kids Are Going Straight to Hell But Not Soon Enough—which reminds me of a little story that also acknowledges the red, white & blue Miss America Competition coming up Sunday evening and broadcast on ABC—coincidentally three letters of the alphabet several of the contestants can recite from memory, what the fock:
Once upon a time, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead were crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they ran into a fairy, wouldn’t you know. The fairy told the gals that they would be granted a magical transformation if they jumped off the bridge and called out their wish. The brunette immediately jumped off the bridge and yelled “Eagle!” She turned into a beautiful bird of prey and flew away. The redhead jumped off the bridge and called out “Salmon!” She turned into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swam upstream to spawn. The blonde was so overcome with excitement that she jumped off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panicked: “Crap!” And so was of a piece, ever after. Ba-ding!
And so now would be the time to again recall that once upon a time, shortly after Dr. Seuss left us for the big Whoville in the sky surely, I recalled reading the good-doing Doctor’s books to the kids and thinking how I sure would like to get ahold of whatever it was that guy was on.
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I recalled that actually my favorite reading is kid books. There’s pictures. They’re never long enough to get boring. It doesn’t take you a day and a focking half just to read one tiny printed page of pure eyeball strain. Sure, they’re a little light on the sex parts, but you can’t have everything. And you also don’t get depressed the same as like reading a regular adult book about some miserable knob when you realize no matter how wretched this jag gets in the story, he’s still better off than you are.
That’s because reality sucks big time, no if ands or butts, doubts or questions about it, no sir. But kids, from Day One get read a dream-stream full of talking dragons, magic lamps and magic carpets, secret passageways, guys who can see for miles and they think, “Yes! What a groovy world of ours this is.” And then quicker than you can say “Sam I Am” things take a turn, a dive, a spill and it’s “Sam, what’s with the sham?” Oh boy oh boy, kids get geared for living in cool castles with the mega-babe princess and a boatload of wishes, and then—KABOOM! Instead of “…happily ever after,” it’s “Chapters 5 through 32 by Monday… Get a job… Your application has not been accepted… We also found something with the driveshaft… Due to an increase in our cost for materials… The doctor called, the results came back, he wants to see you immediately…” Focking swell.
So of course, kids hate school ’cause by that age they’re getting a pretty good clue as to the low lowdown, don’t like it one bit and I can’t blame them. Yeah, “growing up”—the polite way of saying “getting the focking shaft sideways,” ain’a?
When the kids learn there’s no castles, no princess babes, no bag-o’-wishes, the first thing they do is turn on a drug. Maybe our kids would be better off if we read to them tractor manuals or 1040 long-form instructions instead of this jive about Oobleck and giants. Yes sir, that might maybe cut down on some of that ol’ imagination, but hey, when was the last time you ever read a help-wanted ad that said, “Only the imaginative need apply”?
And speaking of imaginative, another shameless plug here, just so you know, for the big show, “Two Guys From MKE,” Friday, Sept. 13, 7:30 p.m., down there by the ComedySportz on South First Street. It’s presenting Will Durst, our country’s numero-uno political satirist, and Dobie “Mr. Lucky” Maxwell, consummate professional and the once and future King of Uranus. Plus, yours truly will play the part of traffic-cop emcee, what the fock.
So, time for me to go filch some material so I’ve got something to say, and see you then ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
