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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it’s past-due for my annual Look Back/Watch Out Ahead gala essay, but I’ve got to cut it short on account of the big honking Powerball jackpot. My time could sure as shootin’ be spent more profitably by wisely choosing the numbers I want to play rather than whipping out some kind of blathering essay, I kid you not.

I’ll tell you’s, $1.4 billion bucks could come in mighty handy to a guy like me. For starters, I’d actually have some legitimate dough to blow on my quadrennial presidential campaign instead of my usual buck two-eighty. I could start my FOCKS TV news network, which would broadcast 24/7, 36-24-36, a bevy of nice-looking gals sitting around gabbing about what a swell guy I am and how they’d never date anybody who wouldn’t vote for Art Kumbalek.

And I might actually buy a car, as long as one of my TV gals was the driver. Parking certainly would be no problem. I’d have it parked wherever I focking felt like it. Get a ticket. Big focking deal. Go to the cop shop, flip them a Franklin, “Hey, keep the change, flat foot.” I could do this every day. Big focking deal. Forget where we parked the car? Big focking deal. Take a limo out to Von focking Schledorn’s and buy a new one. Big focking deal.

But I digress. About my “Look Back” review of last year, here it is:

The Year 2015: Really sucked, big time.

So let’s look ahead to this brand-new year. You know, your average run-of-the-hack newspaper columnist loves to write the yearly “predictions” column ’cause all he has to do is come up with a bunch of bullshit as quick as he can, call it done and get to the tavern earlier in the afternoon than usual. But since I hold a loftier position—that of essayist—I’m forced to take a little more personal responsibility for whatever it is that comes out in the paper under my focking name; so you can trust that the following is what I truly see for 2016.

Now I don’t exactly want to say that I feel pretty gosh darn good about my soothsaying ways, but between you and me, if you’re a betting man I suggest you refinance the house and raid the kid’s college fund for a little scratch to lay down ’cause what follows is a free ticket to ride the gravy train that delivers all passengers to Fat Cat City, provided you got the guts to make a little wager here and there.

A Look Ahead, 2016: Will really suck, even more.

2016 in a Soothsaying Nut’s Shell

n The Alabama Crimson Tide will best Clemson out of South Carolina for the BCS national championship. (Hell, I’ll even predict the score: 45-40.)

And speaking of Alabama, a little story: An Ala-focking-bama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone here has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and my Christian wife and children.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous dame rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered: “Reverend there’s been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.” Ba-ding! 

• Art Kumbalek nominated for Tony Award as best actor in the Broadway smash-hit musical/docudrama of the ’16-’17 season, Art Kumbalek vs. the Focking Martians and Whatever Else You Got Under the Rainbow. 
• Former President George W. Bush takes job as greeter at Nevada casino, shortly thereafter sentenced to death for shooting a man in Reno, just to watch him die. 
• There will be a sucker born every minute. 
• Former hockey mom Sarah Palin dies in delivery of her and Tiger Woods’ love child—last words are, “I can see Amen Corner from here,” you betcha. (A dated reference, big focking deal, that’s why I predict I’ll host this year’s Golden Globes—they eat this kind of bullshit right up.)
• Here’s a two for one: A stunningly sudden and quixotic evolutionary modification leaves pigs the ability to fly, and the tea party wing of the Republican Party adopts and adapts words by the late U.S. Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-N.Y.) as their new motto: “Ideological certainty easily degenerates into insistence upon ignorance.”
• Tolzien—Kumbalek... touchdown!
• Too many tears.
• So you’s have a happy new year—hey, at my age I still like to think anything’s possible, what the fock, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.