Fear of Being Fired

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Dear Shrink,

Yikes! I feel like I’m being set up to get fired at work. I’ve been with my company for 16 years, have always gotten stellar performances reviews and have been promoted several times. But nine months ago, our team got a new manager, and she gave me my first “needs improvement” of my career—and no raise. I can’t figure it out, but I’m pretty worried and have been waking up in the middle of the night thinking about it. Is there anything I can do?

The Shrink Replies,

Fear of losing one’s job is right up there with money anxiety, and the two often go hand in hand. Of course you’re worried. It sounds as though you were blindsided by the sudden critical feedback. It’s a horrible, powerless feeling when someone else seems to be in control of your destiny. Given the power imbalance, it sure seems like you’re a sitting duck for whatever the new manager’s motives are, which at the moment don’t feel as though they’re in your best interests. But here are some things you do have some control over.

Survey your co-workers. Have any of them reported similar treatment by the new manager? What are their impressions of her and do they match yours? Are there some people who report having no trouble at all dealing with her? If so, see if you can figure out what the difference is between them and you. Could it be the new boss feels threatened by you since you’ve been around awhile and maybe know a little more than she does? If you can decipher whether this might be a personality issue, a management style issue or a true problem with your performance, it may help you with your next steps.

Many people are promoted into management who aren’t suited for it. For some it’s simply the next rung on their ladder, an accomplishment to be checked off on the way to something greater. These people don’t always last long in middle-management roles, so if this is the case with your boss, she may be on to the next position before your next review is due. (Wishful thinking, perhaps.) Other managers have a gap in their knowledge base with the people they are sent to supervise. You may, indeed, have a better working knowledge of your department than she does. This is where the part about her feeling threatened comes in.

Still others may have a mastery of the skills and tasks of your work but are not that great with the people part of the job. This is the stuff that keeps you awake at night. Since she surprised you once, you’re paranoid about what might be coming your way tomorrow. Fair enough. Then, there’s the psychological wild card—you remind her of her mother, father, ex-husband, annoying sister, whomever. There’s no way for you to know what that’s about, so file this one under “things I definitely can’t control.”

It’s been said that there’s a “kernel of truth” in everything. Meaning, there might be 2% or 20% of her impressions of you that are actually valid. Maybe there are some holes in your performance that she honed in on with different eyes than your prior managers. I know you don’t want to hear this, but bear with me. Since you said that you can’t figure out what happened, my guess is she didn’t explain it to you in a way that you could take in. Typically when performance is an issue, skilled managers provide concrete, specific, behavioral feedback about what the problem is and then collaborate with you about the concrete, specific, behavioral steps you can take to improve. If you aren’t crystal clear about this, go back to her and ask for more details. If she’s looking for something different from you, she needs to tell you exactly what it is. Making assumptions about what she wants sets you up for another ambush.

Ask for regularly scheduled one-on-one meetings with her to check in and, frankly, to cover your butt. Take the initiative on this one if she doesn’t already have a policy in place. Remember to document these meetings in a follow-up e-mail copied to both of you. Like it or not, she’s your manager, so you have to give her the opportunity to “manage” you. It’s a win-win situation for you to take a proactive stance rather than waiting for her to give you something to react to and then getting defensive and resentful. The goal is to make both of you satisfied with your work. If you look good, she looks good to her boss.

If you think her knowledge gap is a problem, asking lots of clarifying questions can help you protect yourself and might also be a subtle way to teach her some things about your work that she may be unaware of. Or, you could try to engage her in problem solving with you as you would with a peer. If you think it’s a personality issue, and your co-workers have the same take on her, there’s safely in numbers. Misery loves company, but don’t spend too much time at the water cooler complaining about her. It brings down the collective energy, which isn’t good for anybody.

But, if you think it’s really something personal with her and just you, first clarify the performance issues and then try to keep your head down and do your best work. Take a good look in the mirror, and ask yourself if there’s anything you could do differently to get along better with her. If you’ve never gotten this feedback before, and you are truly OK with you, then just take lots of deep breaths and don’t stop being yourself.

A little humor can go a long way in bridging gaps we don’t understand. Lean on your colleagues, focus on having fun in the rest of your life, work on relaxation, try to improve your sleep habits, talk it over with an outside professional—a therapist or Employee Assistance Program counselor—and know that you have done all you can on your end to influence the situation.

On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care. Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.