How to Celebrate Valentine's Day as a Non-Romantic

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Dear Shrink,

Valentine’s Day is coming, and I dread it. I also dread birthdays and anniversaries. I adore my wife, but on special occasions, she always seems to find some reason to be disappointed with how I commemorate the day. I want to make her happy, but I’m not the most romantic guy, and I usually feel like a loser in the “Good Husband” competition. Any tips for a hopeless non-romantic?

The Shrink Answers,

Let me guess: Every now and then, she comes home from work and waxes eloquent about the dozen roses her work buddy got from her boyfriend? Or how someone else’s sweetie had lunch delivered to her knowing she’d be up to her eyeballs in a big project that day? (And yes, you can take these as “helpful hubby hints”). Many guys feel the same way, but let’s see whether you’re being too hard on yourself or whether you seriously do need to step up.

I’ll bet you’ve been together for a while, and the sweet little things one does while courting have fallen by the wayside as you’ve settled in to the ho-hum predictability of your relational journey. This is where the conscious effort at marital maintenance comes in. Marriages don’t run on autopilot. You have to shift into a more conscious gear in order to keep things enjoyable on the home front. And what this really means (please don’t kill the messenger!) is you actually have to do nice stuff way more often than just on special occasions. In fact, you might get a pass on the Hallmark Holidays if you elevate your game on other normal days of the year.

Do you know—I mean really know—what your wife loves? Sure, she may envy the coworker with the roses on her desk, but is there another side of her that also thinks, “Those things are so overpriced; who really needs 12 of them?” Find out before you assume that you should take her hints literally. You are not a mind reader. Many women bristle at the suggestion that they need to actually communicate to their partner exactly what makes them feel loved. “He should know!” Sorry, ladies, he doesn’t always know. You have to tell him, and it goes both ways. Guys, you need to speak up, too (and it can’t be always just about sex).

Think about it. You really love that she makes your favorite tacos whenever your friends come over to watch the game. That might actually be about more than just feeding you. She could probably do without the pork carnitas but knows you’re crazy about it. So pay closer attention to reading her signs of affection for you, and challenge yourself to pay closer attention to what makes her tick and what she likes.

These annual “occasions” are putting you in your own special mental pressure cooker of expectations and potential disappointments. You describe yourself as a romance-challenged character, but by what standards are you self-judging? If you compare yourself to what you think it means to be romantic, you’ll come up short. The images of lusty, doe-eyed, blissful lovers in the media are just that: images.

Remember, these people are actors; beautiful people posing for skilled photographers. But, you say, what about all of those You Tube videos of normal people doing romantic-looking things? OK, you could take a look at a few of those—not to imitate them, but to get some creative ideas. After all, the look on the face of the beloved who is surprised by the uber-romantic gesture of her mate is what those clips are really about.

So before this Valentine’s Day rolls around, think it through a bit. Think of the times you see her face light up, or the times she gives you that sly, side-eyed smile—the one you know she gives to only one person in her world. Then make yourself a mental list (and it wouldn’t hurt to write it down and keep it) of the things you have done and can remember to do again to make her react that way.

Since you say you adore her, my guess is you know more than you give yourself credit for about how to make her feel special. That’s what she’s looking for—she wants to know she’s special. Go for the small, everyday things, not the grand gestures. Instead of getting her an overpriced, mushy Valentine’s Day card, move down to the “Thank You” card section. Getting creative and expressing your gratitude for her, the woman you adore, might make you feel like more of a romantic than either of you ever thought you could be.

On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not intended as a substitute for mental health care.

Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.