“I’m 59 and was recently downsized from my job. My work was mind-numbing and stressful, but the money and a great group of colleagues kept me there for more than 30 years. Thankfully, my retirement benefits are decent, so I won’t have to find another job. I felt like a kid with a stash of snow days at first, but now I’m starting to feel anxious and a bit lost. I don’t feel like I’m ‘done’ yet. How do I manage my new life?”
The Shrink Replies
A premature early retirement can be a welcome blessing or an anxiety-ridden curse. You probably figured you’d be working several more years before you had to face these retirement quandaries. You’re really fortunate to have financial security. Many people who get unexpectedly “called to the conference room” are panicked at the thought of looking for work in a job market they feel aged out of. So, not to minimize your current predicament, but count your blessings!
Spending the bulk of your adult working life in the same company is like growing up in a big family but never leaving home. As in all families, there are people you genuinely enjoy being around, ones you merely tolerate, and others you could completely do without. Your work family provided a sense of security, predictability and structure. Now that you’re no longer connected to this group on a daily basis, of course you feel lost.
It’s always interesting to see which work-based friendships survive the transition from mandatory contact to having to make a concerted effort to spend time together. For years, you had shared interests: work tasks, company gossip, newsy stories about your colleagues, etc. Now, much of what you had in common is gone. Your work friends are busy adjusting to life without you in their loop.
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Being suddenly downsized can lead to a range of emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, anxious, excited, betrayed, shocked and more. But, to your question, “How do I manage my new life?”
Working gives us a sense of purpose—a reason to get out of bed in the morning. While the first few weeks of not having to set an alarm may have felt pretty indulgent, it sounds like the thrill of that has fizzled. The good news, though, is that you feel you’re not done yet, even though your former employer was done with you.
• Create a structure for yourself
The best thing about this challenge is that you get to decide what you want to do vs. what you have to do. Sounds dreamy, right? Many people find this extremely difficult. It’s like you’re an artist faced with a blank canvas: There are no rules about how to paint or what colors to use. You have to flex your creativity muscles—ones that have been long-neglected while you were coloring inside someone else’s lines.
Start with brainstorming a long list of things you want to do (i.e. taking a cooking class), things you have to do (cleaning the basement) and things you have only ever dreamed of doing (taking a road trip to all of the national parks). Make a bucket list that incorporates everyday-grind things, your do-able wish list and a few ambitious things to shoot for. Put some loose timeframes around these things (e.g. clean out the basement by the end of next month; take that road trip next summer). Now you have a structure and some reasons to get out of bed in the morning!
You’ll feel better if you accomplish a task or two every day, but, hey, you’ve worked hard for a long time, so make sure you have some fun, too! Don’t worry about feeling “lost;” feeling that way can lead to wandering, and wandering can accidentally take you to places you never thought you’d go. Think of your new life as an adventure—adventures are both exciting and scary, but you get to decide which interpretation you choose.
• Add human contact
You were around a lot of people, every day, for years. Now when you wake up it’s just you—and maybe a partner or a pet—but the rest of your human contact will come from people you have to actually leave the house to interact with. Some of these people are already in place (your family and friends), but you might want to add some new people to the mix. Some people feel lonely when they spend too much time alone, while others are perfectly happy to enjoy their own company.
• Find a purpose
Many people believe that they are what they do, so when the job goes away, so does their sense of self. Find ways to give to others: volunteer at a food pantry, take your elderly neighbor grocery shopping and so forth. And give to yourself, too—take the time to eat healthier, get more exercise, read things that make your brain work, etc. Do things that help you feel good about yourself. Some days will be easier than others as you adjust to this new normal, but you still have lots of life ahead of you. Enjoy the ride.
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On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care. Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
