Dear Shrink,
Can we talk about New Year’s resolutions? I’ve made the same vow to eat healthier and exercise more regularly for the past six years. I’m still the same weight, and I’m getting less fit by the day! I don’t want to torture myself with self-loathing as I fail, one more time, to make my grand plans stick. How can I motivate myself to succeed?
The Shrink Replies,
The idea of making so-called “New Year’s resolutions” originated with the ancient Babylonians. Each spring at planting time, they believed if they renewed their devotion to the gods, they would be blessed with an abundant harvest in the coming year. Other cultures and religions—and regular people like you and me—have perpetuated the custom ever since. There must be something to it; this 4,000-year-old ritual has certainly stood the test of time. For some reason, at the end of one year and beginning of the next, most of us do a mental inventory assessing how things went for us in the past year and goals we hope to pursue in the year ahead. Resolving to consciously move in a more positive direction is the first step. Maintaining that forward movement is not so easy.
Generally speaking, people are motivated to do well when they get a pat on the back rather than harsh criticism. Your first resolution could be to ditch the self-loathing. Your own experience has shown that no good result can come from that approach. How about taking the pressure off this time around by making some totally different resolutions? Sometimes, people achieve greater success in life by taking the focus off of the goal you think you want to achieve and choosing other, less emotionally fraught, plans for overall well-being. For example, why not try these on for size?
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• Go Old School in the New Year.
Read an actual book—the kind printed on paper, not illuminated on a screen. Give yourself extra bonus points if you procure that book from either your neighborhood library (free!) or a local bookseller (this might cost you more than Amazon, but it will help to keep nice people in business). And, while you’re in the bookstore, check out the card section. Buy a few cards—the kind you write in, put a stamp on and send off to someone in the mail. We all still get mail, but most often, it’s generic stuff that goes right into the trash. When’s the last time you got a handwritten envelope in that stack of mail? Do you remember how you felt when you saw it? Don’t let either of these old school gems—written words on a page—go the way of the dinosaurs.
• Get Outside of the Box.
Life can get pretty boring and mundane if you let it. Our daily path typically takes us on the same route: wake up, go to work, come home, eat, do household chores, sleep, repeat. We break it up occasionally with a date with friends or a yoga class, but even so, our patterns are generally set. Humans like predictability, but too much of the same leads to boredom. Promise to do one thing a day/week/month that’s not something you’d normally do. You’ll have to consciously come up with these alternate ways of doing things, because we’re creatures of habit and function on autopilot much of the time. Get your daily news fix differently. Steer clear of the click-bait and do a deeper dive into a story, see what the other side of the political spectrum has to say, or try a news source from outside the U.S. Take public transportation to work instead of driving—you’ll have to get out the door earlier, but you’ll start the day with a different vibe. Next dinner out, try a restaurant in a completely different neighborhood than your usual orbit or an ethnic cuisine you’ve never sampled. Shake it up a bit.
• Don’t Forget to Say Thanks.
Some type of daily effort to count your blessings and pass kindness on to others is critically important these days. We’re living through a time of turbulence and division. Feelings of hopelessness and defeat have, sadly, become common for many of us. A steady diet of anger and frustration is not the best nourishment for us humans. There are many antidotes to negativity, but a gratitude practice is a good place to start. If this isn’t already part of your self-care plan, you’ll have to train yourself. As a prompt, subscribe to a daily e-mail that focuses on the bigger picture, the greater good. I like gratefulness.org.
The ritual of a year-end inventory is a good one to preserve. Even a fleeting thought of “out with the old, in with the new” may yield a shift for you. While most things in life worth achieving require some extra effort, all change starts with thought and intention. Intending to do better sets the stage for being better, and sometimes that’s all the re-boot you need. And making some changes around the margins in life can have a ripple effect into the core of what we really wish to be doing differently. Here’s to a fresh start for all of us.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care. Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
