I have an adult daughter who just can’t seem to get her life in order. She is divorced, has a good job and makes a decent living but is always deep in debt. She dates a guy who is unemployed, not too motivated to find work and takes advantage of her. She’s bailed him out financially many times. I’m at my wits end with this and am ready to cut off contact with her until she stops sabotaging herself. Any advice?
The Shrink Replies,
It’s so hard to watch your adult child, who seems competent in so many ways but apparently not others, make some bad decisions and choices. All you can see is the hole of her own making that she is busy digging. And I’m sure she tells you all of the gory details of each caper that results in her chaos du jour. Sometimes it’s just better not to know, right? But, you are a parent, and parents have an innate protective radar that is always pointed toward their child, no matter how old the child is. So, since you can’t just switch the channel to a more entertaining show, what do you do?
By now your daughter has probably heard every last bit of wise counsel you have to offer, yet she keeps ignoring it. (Isn’t it obvious that if she just did things “your way,” she wouldn’t be in the mess she’s in?) Remind yourself that she’s an accomplished person in other areas of her life. It’s either her finances or her relationships (maybe both) that could use some help, but she has to be the one to want the fix. Hopefully you have stopped rescuing her financially since throwing money at the problem won’t solve it. I’m sure it’s hard to watch her drown while you’re standing by watching. In the end, though, she’s got to want to do the work to figure out this self-destructive pattern and how to change it.
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Next time she comes to you with her latest tale of woe, try a different approach. Ask her what she’d like from you in that moment. Does she just need to vent? In which case you just sit there, try your best to keep your mouth shut and listen. (Biting your tongue helps when you’re trying not to plunge headlong into “savior” or “judge” mode.) Or, ask if she wants your help brainstorming a way out of her mess. This means you don’t tell her what to do; you muster all of your remaining patience and have a focused, practical conversation with her about possible solutions, then let her be the one to pick the way to proceed. Or, does she just want you to be the Daddy and tell her what to do? As her dad, I’m sure you’ve already done that. I’d give up on that approach. It has a lousy track record since it doesn’t seem to have worked so far.
Seeing your precious (adult) bundle of joy in a relationship that looks pretty joyless is the real rub. Sure, money problems are a pain, but watching your daughter continue to allow this dude to railroad her into the ground is even more excruciating for a parent to see and hear about. But relationships—whether great or terrible—involve the collusion of two parties to create a reality together. He may be a deadbeat, but she may lack the self-esteem and assertiveness to call him out on it. Your daughter wants to please him but, from your vantage point, it sure doesn’t seem as though he’s too concerned about her welfare. She probably acts first and thinks about it later—when it’s too late to change the course of her decisions. Why she allows it is a multi-layered question-and-answer process. “You can’t push the river,” but you can suggest she talk to a therapist who would be more objective in helping her sort through this than you can be.
This is one of those parental fine lines. You want to protect her but you can’t. You don’t want to bail her out, but it’s hard to see her struggling. You don’t have to endorse or support her decisions, but you do have to love her. Take lots of deep breaths and remind yourself that, even though she infuriates you at times, it’s her life and she gets to run it however she chooses. Resist the impulse to lecture or judge. Words have a lot of power, and once they are out of your mouth, there’s no taking them back. When in doubt, talk less, listen more and give her a big Dad hug.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care. You can send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
