My boyfriend of several years seems to be pulling back; he doesn’t seem interested in having sex anymore. What’s wrong? What should I do?
Like the law of gravity, “What goes up, must come down.” There’s nothing like the early days of a relationship when the fires of passion rage, and the most pressing weekend question is, “Where can we get breakfast at 3 in the afternoon?” The quandary you speak of is not unusual, nor is your feeling concerned about it.
Falling in love is thrilling and exciting; staying in love is much less so. It’s hard to know if what you experience as “pulling back” is really just that simple; he’s distancing himself, for whatever reason. Or maybe you’re feeling the predictable adjustment to reality that comes when a relationship is no longer new, the mystery is gone, and you are cozily settled into domestic predictability and routine.
Is his waning interest in sex your only clue that there might be trouble in paradise, or does he seem less interested in you in general or less engaged when you’re together? Failure to engage outside the bedroom often runs tandem to failure to engage in bed.
So, to answer your question with a question, have you asked him? You say you’ve been together several years. That seems long enough for you to have had some meaningful conversations with him about the “state of the union.” But if that’s not the case (e.g. he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings), and you feel as though you’re always the one doing the wondering, then it’s about time you sat him down and had a little chat about things.
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Tell him what you’ve noticed, tell him how you feel (e.g. invisible, left out, you’re not into me anymore, etc.), ask him where he goes when he disappears into his phone, the TV, etc. As I said, no connection in the living room = no connection in the bedroom. And if he’s unwilling to have a conversation with you, then you’ll have to decide if it’s worth it to you to stay in an arrangement where the terms have changed without your consent.
Conversations like this aren’t easy. As much as you are curious about what’s going on with him, there’s a part of you that doesn’t really want to know. What if your worst fear is really true? He’s on his way out, and he’s just not telling you? Ouch! See, this is why it’s easy to fall in love and hard to stay there.
Adult relationships—and by that I mean relationships where both people act like grown-ups and not immature adolescents—are not for the faint of heart. They’re hard work and demand a lot of bravery and patience.
So, buck up, Cowgirl! Put on your Big Girl Pants and share your observations. Tell him what you want and see if he wants the same things. Who knows? You might finish the conversation in bed.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. You can send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
