Dear Shrink,
Our 25-year-old son graduated from college more than a year ago. It took him longer than expected, but we’re happy he successfully finished. He (and his debt) came home to live with us “temporarily,” but here we are, 16 months later, and he shows no sign of wanting to leave. He tells us he is looking for a job in his field and having no luck. He has had a number of part-time, minimum wage jobs but “gets bored” or “oversleeps” and either quits or gets fired. Selfishly, my husband and I were really starting to enjoy all of our kids being launched and having our empty nest to ourselves. How do we get him to get on with his life so we can get on with ours?
The Shrink Replies
Ahh, kids. They’re so cute when they’re babies. And if you’re really fortunate, they turn into decent, interesting, thoughtful human beings, but not without a lot of bumps, bruises and missteps along the way. If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone; there are plenty of people wondering the same thing as you are—how to get this beloved adult child of yours out of your house. It’s a parental psycho-emotional conundrum: You love him to pieces, and you also want to wring his neck some days.
There’s a name for this cultural epidemic: “Boomeranging.” It’s no longer seen as a sign of immaturity or inadequacy for Millennials to return home for a while after graduating (or dropping out) as a pause to reboot before beginning their life in the cold, cruel world of jobs and bills. There are plenty of plausible arguments to be made for this, not the least of which is being able to save some money as they embark on a life of student loan payments, paying rent, etc.
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So, when this arrangement is proposed, either by the child, the parent, or both, it seems like a pretty good idea. The rub comes when you realize that your comfy, happy, well-appointed home has become a bit too comfy for Junior. After all, why would anyone want to leave 1,000-count Egyptian cotton sheets?
The best-case scenarios for the “boomerang kid” dilemma are those that set the parameters of the arrangement in place before the move-in happens. In your case, though, you’re faced with the task of installing a new set of rules where there haven’t been any before. So, here’s my advice:
• Sit down with your husband and talk about the current domestic conditions and see if you’re on the same page. Don’t assume you are; sometimes one partner is much less irritated about having a “roommate” than the other. If you agree that you are ready to intervene so that this situation doesn’t become permanent, get ready to set some boundaries and make a deal to back each other up in enforcing the agreement.
• Include your son in a respectful, adult conversation about what your concerns and needs are and ask him what he’s thinking about as his next steps. It’s important to have this chat with him at a time when you’re feeling fond of him and not when he’s gotten on your last nerve for “forgetting” to take the garbage out—again. While it might appear as if he is happy with his squatting arrangement, once again, don’t assume so. He might be just as eager to fly the coop but is feeling, literally, afraid to leave home. See if you can get him to talk about his fears; you can remind him of his strengths (after all, he earned a college degree!) and reassure him that he can do “scary” things and still be okay.
• Make a contract and have everyone sign it. I know it seems contrived, but documents hold more weight than the spoken word. People hear what they want to hear, especially during difficult conversations. Seeing the terms of the agreement, literally in black and white, leaves no room for misinterpretation. Things to cover in this contract are:
His responsibilities—such as paying rent, doing household jobs, respecting your rules about noise, coming home late or not at all—after all, he’s living with his parents and parents will always worry.
His plan—what he feels he needs to do to be ready to launch—things like getting a job or jobs that will allow him to cover basic living expenses, finding roommates to live with, saving enough money for an apartment, ramping up his efforts to either pursue a job in his field or explore getting trained in an alternate career.
His move-out date—a reasonable goal might be six months, with a check-in at the four- and five-month points, and a reminder that you are expecting him to be out of the door and will be enforcing this (even if it means changing your locks!) for the good of all parties. It might sound harsh but, trust me, a contract like this provides the necessary clarity and a structure everyone can live with. An added bonus is that it gives him, and you, a welcome break from the annoying, daily interrogation about his plans or lack of them.
Who knew that parenting a young adult would be so hard? After all, you’re dealing with another human being who is capable of behaving like an adult but chooses not to do so. You know the saying: “The best things parents can give their children are roots and wings”? It takes all of your best parenting skills—patience, good timing, creative manipulation, balancing your heart and your head—to continue to be the safe, secure roots your son needs and, at the same time, give him a loving, but firm, shove to flap his wings and fly.
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On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care.
Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
