Freedom from Want by Norman Rockwell
This sounds really bad, but I can’t stand my in-laws. They’re not horrible people or anything but it’s hard for me to be around them because my family interacts so differently. I get resentful because his family lives in town and mine doesn’t, so we end up spending a ridiculous amount of time with them. I can’t be completely honest with my husband about how I feel—these are “his people” and he likes them. The holidays are here again, and I don’t know how I can survive all of the family events. Help!
The Shrink Replies
Sorry to hear you have icky in-laws. It’s really difficult to merge into another family and just never quite feel comfortable there. But, for the sake of your beloved, you have to buck up and be a trouper. Doing so without resentment, though, is the challenge. Your problem is a common one and the holidays often trigger the same old annual arguments. This time of year is stressful enough, with the added busyness of social opportunities/obligations and too many things to do in too little time, so discord in the family feels especially onerous. Here are some things to consider:
• Logistics are forever.
The “in town” and “out of town” family scenario is challenging on many fronts and can create impasses between partners. In your case, I’ll bet there’s a running tally sheet in your head tracking the imbalance of time spent with “his people” vs. those that require extra time and effort to get to, i.e. “your people.” Therein lies the simmering resentment. It may not be fair but it’s the geographical hand you’ve been dealt. Make your first priority accepting and dealing with it with a new attitude. The logistics may never change, but you can.
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• Everything is negotiable.
Some things are mandatory, while others can be optional. Not every family get-together has to include you (or your spouse). After the holiday dust settles, get out the calendar for the upcoming year and plot out all of the annual events for both sides of the family. Then tag each one “Mandatory for Both” (you both need to show up), “Mandatory for One” (do you always need to go to Aunt Trixie’s annual Pie Party?) or “Optional” (you graciously release each other from any obligation to participate but you’re always welcome to attend.) Hint: have lots of Optionals but save your Mandatories for the most important events. Since his family get-togethers might happen on a more frequent, casual basis, these spontaneous gatherings may fall into the Optional category. That means you get a pass, but you have to be willing to take it. He may always say “I wish you’d come along, honey…”, so it’s on you to stick to your guns and opt out in favor of taking some ‘me time.’
• Honesty is the best policy.
You’re not as good as you think at hiding your feelings about the in-laws. While you’ve probably narrowly averted blurting out things like “Your family is insufferably boring/judgmental,” he knows that’s what you think. Maybe he’s not so crazy about your gang, either. There’s a middle ground between brutal honesty and stuffing your feelings. While these aren’t your favorite people to hang with, maybe you can come up with some ideas on how to manage the “Mandatory” events differently and even enlist his help. Can he check on you (rescue you?) when you disappear into the kitchen for the women’s gab-fest about things you don’t particularly care about? How about taking two cars to the party and excusing yourself a bit early? Try being a bit more forthcoming with him about your discomfort without making it about his people but, rather, about how you feel like you just don’t fit in. Maybe, if you’re a little more vulnerable and candid, he can understand you better and try to help you make it through these ordeals without getting defensive and thinking you’re attacking his family. If he feels uncomfortable about how to explain your absences, work together to craft an explanation that both of you can live with.
Jean-Paul Sartre famously wrote: “Hell is other people.” Sometimes it really does seem that way, right? But other people also bring us joy (not to mention some good, juicy stories) and hold up mirrors for us to see our own blind spots. So, assuming you love your husband, you have to figure out a way to, literally, bring your best self to the party, not only for his sake but also for your own peace of mind and spirit. Take some time before these events to quiet yourself a bit and wrap your head around the notion that even people who annoy us are just living life and trying to do the best they can. Everybody is uncomfortable in some way. Nobody’s perfect. Underneath it all, they may be more like you than you think.
As you try to rework this dynamic to participate more on your own terms, also remember that digging in and holding out for the “win” doesn’t exactly promote harmony and happy coexistence. Give yourself the gift of consciously trying to be less resentful going forward.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care. Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
