Image by LadadikArt - Getty Images
Couple in car illustration
Carolyn and Stan are a married couple who don’t get along very well, but their disputes are not over money, kids or politics, the most common tugs of war among partnered people. Oddly enough, they are both supportive of each other, but therein lies the rub.
“She tries to give me too much emotional support,” Stan complained.
“And he gives me too much advice,” she fired back.
Pop psychology tells us that, in so-called healthy marriages, both spouses are supportive of each another. However, conventional wisdom aside, research at the University of Iowa showed that too much support or the wrong kind can be detrimental for couples.
In most relationships, “support” comes in any of four major forms: emotional, affirmative, tangible or instructive. First off, emotional support involves listening, empathizing and providing comforting touch. It’s all about attending to and bolstering the other person’s feelings, and that’s the kind Stan dislikes. It doesn’t fit with the high value he places on self-reliance.
While somewhat similar, affirmative support involves expressing confidence in one’s partner, as well as offering encouragement and positive feedback, provided it’s genuine. In the mental health world, it is often labeled “validation” because it conveys an “I believe in you” attitude.
In contrast, tangible support usually manifests as helping someone with tasks, chores, work challenges or financial burdens. It may or may not incorporate an element of emotional or affirmative support, but the overriding focus is on goal-oriented assistance.
Finally, instructive support involves sharing information, coaching or giving advice, which is the kind Carolyn often receives from Stan, albeit unhappily. No surprise there. Unless requested by the recipient and delivered within a positive and respectful emotional framework, it’s often perceived as patronizing, in which case the implicit message is “You don’t know what you’re doing.”
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
Many of us simply assume we understand what manner of support to provide to our partner, family member, child or friend. Sometimes we get it right just by accident. However, frequently, one’s approach stems from old habits or clueless reactions rather than a thoughtful examination of what the other person prefers.
“When I’m having a hard time, she just smothers me with caring and concern,” Stan explained. “I don’t need another mother.”
“And when I’m up against some challenge, he starts telling me how to handle it. I’m a big girl and can figure things out on my own,” Carolyn added.
I encouraged them to be explicit in telling each other what kind of support they find helpful. Carolyn stated that, when distressed or troubled, she benefited most from emotional support, while Stan said he largely wanted encouragement and an ego boost, and nothing more. Sometimes, just being direct and candid with each other about supportive needs is all it takes to get in synch. But serious problems arise when there is a mismatch between what one person wants and what the other is willing or able to provide.
“Empathy and listening and all that are not my best thing,” Stan admitted.
“Which is why I don’t go to him anymore when I’m upset,” Carolyn added. “He starts telling me what to do, and that just riles me.”
Some couples discover they are a poor match with respect to supportive styles. When this occurs, many turn to people outside the marriage or relationship to find what they need. While there are always exceptions, research suggests women are better at soliciting external solace or commiseration than men. In general, when guys don’t feel supported by a spouse, lover or friend, they often withdraw, while ladies usually reach out.
So, if you or your partner struggle to provide the right kind of support during times of duress, have a candid talk about your respective needs. Otherwise, your good but blind intentions may pave the road to marital hell.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
