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Mental maladies have many causes, but whenever we therapist types assess someone complaining of depression, anxiety, self-destructive tendencies or reactive anger, we almost always include this essential question: “Have you ever been bullied?”
This inquiry may conjure images of some ruffian or a gang of miscreants pounding on a smaller kid, but bullies come in many guises and operate in a variety of venues, including schools, workplaces, families, political rallies and, increasingly, online. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the majority of bullying is not physical, and need not be in order to wreak mental havoc. Rather, most often, it involves slander, mockery, taunting, exclusion and other forms of verbal and interpersonal abuse. While most who bully others physically are male, surveys indicate the mental variety is distributed fairly evenly across genders.
Research has documented the wide ranging and grave psychological damage endured by victims of bullying, particularly those who, while young, were chronically picked on and socially excluded. And these wounds do not spontaneously heal with time. One study showed that, four decades later, victims had poorer mental and physical health and reduced cognitive functioning. Why? These wounds become embedded in the deep recesses of the subcortical brain in areas only marginally available to conscious awareness, and, therefore, healing interventions. Adults who were bullied as children or teens carry far greater risk for developing depression, anxiety disorders, suicidal impulses and depersonalization.
Below the Radar
Many of us think we know bullying when we see it, but, in adult situations, it can fly below our perceptual radar. Surveys show, in the workplace, over one-third of employees report being bullied in some fashion. Corporate spin doctors refer to this as “inappropriate behavior” or “harassment,” but it’s bullying all the same. Its perpetrators often demonstrate sophistication and stealth in singling out and tormenting others. This can involve the silent treatment, ambiguously sarcastic remarks, innuendo, visual glaring or subtle insults packaged as humor. These passive-aggressive tactics afford the bully some degree of protection, meaning if they get called out, they can deny sinister intent (“I was just joking” or “You misunderstood me”).
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In these circumstances, even adults who were never bullied as children may find themselves in the same interpersonal fix as that proverbial kid on the playground beset by the local goon squad, albeit less obviously. And research suggests both adults and children who suffer bullying often have one thing in common—they are considered “unattractive” or “other” (different).
The newest conduit available to bullies is, of course, the internet, and it facilitates a particularly nasty variant. For the most part, cyberbullies are abject cowards. Unlike their in-person counterparts who must contend with their victims in real time, which sometimes results in retribution, cyberbullies hide in the digital bushes, affording them greater safety and, sometimes, anonymity. Research shows this emboldens them to instigate mental attacks far more denigrating and toxic than those perpetrated by in-person malefactors. What’s more, cyberbullying can occur 24/7 and be seen by a far wider audience, amplifying the victim’s shame. Alarmingly, surveys show close to half of middle schoolers and over a third of high school students experience or witness bullying online.
The considerable power of bullying to wound the human spirit stems from our desire to belong and be affirmed by others, which forms the foundation of self-esteem. While children prove needier and more vulnerable in this regard, these affiliative needs are basic to humans of all ages. After all, we are social animals. Some of us are more sensitive in this regard than others, but most individuals craft much of their self-image from the feedback they receive from their social group. Repeated negative input and exclusion, combined with the learned helplessness that often accompanies being victimized, can create a lasting imprint that is difficult to erase.
So, make no mistake. Even if fists don’t fly, bullying in any fashion is an act of violence. Wounds from words, while less visible than those from physical assault, are just as severe and often harder to heal.
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