Caring Too Much or Not at All?

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In gnarly relationships, finding a balance between caring too much or not at all proves a tough row to hoe. It constitutes a mental tug of war in the psyche, and Nina felt like the rope. “I’ve tried not to care but can’t seem to get there,” she confided to me, referring to her stormy romance with an on-and-off boyfriend, one with significant emotional issues. “For me, caring feels like a trap I’m trying to escape, but can’t.”

Often, this conundrum emerges when a sensitive, empathic person becomes deeply embedded in a relationship, family or other interpersonal situation where caring leads mostly to pain. Nina knew that continuing to care for her beau would punch her ticket to considerable misery for both of them, but she still struggled to emotionally disengage.       

Many mental health types label such folks “co-dependent.” Translation? They lack sufficient emotional separation, so to speak, to avoid getting psychologically dragged around by the feelings and behaviors of a partner or family member. Often, counselors encourage such individuals to break off the interpersonal connection altogether, lest they suffer ongoing mental harm. What’s more, they advise them to become more emotionally independent.

Compartmentalizing Our Feelings

But how? Granted, some of us are adept at compartmentalizing our feelings; when in a dysfunctional relationship, we readily move from a mental space of “I care” to “I don’t,” or at least “not so much.” We place our painful concerns in a cognitive box, put it away somewhere in the psyche and move on. To convince ourselves to cut the emotional chord with someone who proves a poor interpersonal investment, we invoke the psychological law of diminishing returns: “The more I care, the worse I feel.”

But for those like Nina, it’s not so simple. “Maybe it would be easier to just resign myself to caring, even though it hurts, instead of struggling to not care,”Nina lamented.

In this “I don’t want to care but still do” space, there is a persistent conflict between the heart and psyche. Some who find themselves in this fix embrace unhealthy measures to numb out the pain of their caring, perhaps with alcohol, other drugs or compulsive behaviors that occupy the mind (gambling, shopping, screen addiction, etc.).

In resolving this dilemma, the mind should lead the way. The heart is captive to forces it feels unable to control, so it needs something called emotional distancing. This approach aligns with Buddhist philosophy, which has long encouraged a mindset of “detached concern”—a kind of caring that is compassionate, less invested in certain outcomes and, therefore, detached in a healthy way.

“You care, and there’s probably no way to entirely stop that,” I advised Nina. “Instead of struggling to not care, let’s focus on how you care.”

Emotional Distancing

Toward this end, Nina adopted a self-care technique incorporating emotional distancing. For example, after relaxing herself with some deep breathing, in her mind’s eye, she replayed an interaction in which she was caring too much, first doing so from an immersed perspective (as if embedded in the situation and seeing it through her own eyes). Next, she mentally replayed that same interaction, except from a distant perspective (as if watching herself in a video). At any point, if she experienced an increase in anxiety, she stopped and resumed her deep breathing until she was calmer. This creates sufficient emotional distance to remain engaged without being carried away in the process. 

After several weeks practicing this method, Nina felt more in charge of her caring feelings, rather than the other way around. In turn, she acquired the capacity for detached concern, which allowed her to continue to care but in a manner that didn’t undermine her well-being. Toward that end, she broke off the relationship with her boyfriend in a considerate way, one that was firm but kind.

Sometimes, “To care or not to care?” is the wrong question.

Better to ask, “How will I care?”

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