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Couple arguing in hallway
“My husband and I have been in counseling with different therapists over the past few years and our marriage is still a mess,” Sandra told me.
In both professional and pop psychology, prevailing wisdom maintains that dysfunctional relationships are often the result of poor or insufficient communication. While there’s nothing wrong with teaching couples beneficial ways to interact and resolve conflicts, there is something problematic with assuming that better back-and-forth can improve any marriage or coupling. Sometimes, another and more fundamental issue gets in the way.
“With all due respect, Sandra, is it possible that one of you is, for lack of a nicer term, a jerk?” I asked.
I posed this brash question because I’ve counseled many couples for whom focusing on enhanced communication is simply spitting into the psychological wind. Why? Because sometimes the impediment to a healthier relationship is not lousy interpersonal skills. Rather, it’s what I call the “jerk factor.”
Obsessive Focus
In this context, a jerk has two primary and debilitating characteristics: (1) a lack of kindness, and (2) an obsessive focus on me, myself and I, otherwise known as selfishness. It’s important to recognize these are personality traits, as opposed to communication style issues. Sure, these traits deeply influence how one interacts with others, but so long as they are present, there is no realistic communication “fix” that will make things better.
Now, it takes more than being socially awkward, emotionally inept or psychologically naive to be a legitimate jerk. To earn that derogatory title, one must be mean-spirited and overly committed to one’s self-interest rather than to the greater good of the relationship. An unkind and self-centered partner is anathema to an intimate bond. Love and kindness are inseparable.
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After meeting with Sandra and her husband, it became obvious he was the offending party bringing the jerk factor to the marriage. He behaved in an often rude, accusatory and “it’s all about me” manner, all the while mouthing terms that counselors love to hear—compromise, understand, communicate, etc. Like many kind-hearted folks in this sad situation, Sandra was determined to stick it out, work harder on the relationship and, most notably, afford her spouse the benefit of the doubt. Rarely is this helpful. Jerks thrive on other people’s forbearance.
Now, I don’t mean to suggest that all troubled marriages are the result of the jerk factor. Virtually every romantic pairing goes through rough patches. However, if both persons are kind and able to relate to the other person’s needs rather than exclusively their own, these interpersonal storms can usually be weathered.
True Colors
Unfortunately, because jerks don’t always show their true colors during courtship and often realize doing so might be a deal breaker, more than a few good souls end up attached to one. This places some painful decisions at one’s mental doorstep. Do I believe my partner can change for the better? How long am I willing to wait? Am I OK with putting my happiness on hold in hopes for a better future together?
As Sandra gradually awakened to the reality of her spouse’s mindset and attitude, the inevitable question emerged. “Will he change?” she wondered. Some jerks do, but altering longstanding personality traits is challenging, or downright impossible when that person lacks motivation to change. And learning to be a better communicator rarely does the trick.
“This is not an issue of poor communication skills. It’s an issue of character,” I told Sandra. So, when she asked if her hubby could change, I issued my usual warning.
“Look long and hard at who he is and tell yourself that what you are getting from him now is mostly likely what you’ll be getting in a year, or five, or more. Then ask yourself if you’re willing to live with that.”
Better communication doesn’t change jerks. In fact, most often, nothing does. Some people can’t be fixed.
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