Emotional Disconnection? It’s Called Alexithymia

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Emotionless smiley face

Margie persuaded her husband, Mike, to come to counseling because “he can’t express his feelings.” When they married, she felt his Rock of Gibraltar demeanor would balance out her high emotionality. However, she subsequently discovered Mike was not a stereotypic tight-lipped macho guy. In fact, he exhibited a poorly understood condition called “alexithymia,” which means, “having no words for emotions.” As an aside, this cryptic term is further proof that we mental health types tell you things you already know in words you can’t understand. So, let me explain as best I can.

Now, alexithymia is not generally viewed as a mental disorder but, rather, a distinct personality trait. Nonetheless, it can and often does impede one’s functioning, particularly relationships, whether personal or professional. Regardless, those with it exhibit these tendencies:

1. An inability to recognize their feelings and, often, those of others. This capacity is central to emotional intelligence, so folks with alexithymia often struggle with relationships. Mike admitted he found it challenging to read emotions in others.
2. Difficulty describing their feelings, which you’d expect if one can’t recognize them in the first place. Absent emotional self-awareness, there’s nothing to describe. When asked how he was feeling, Mike often stared back blankly, unable to label and explain his emotional experience.
3. A failure to identify certain physical sensations as indicators of emotions, such as “butterflies” when they feel anxious. Virtually all feelings have a somatic signature, so misinterpreting these sensations is part of the problem. When I asked Mike to tune into physical sensations that might be indicative of certain emotions, he failed to connect the two.
4. A bland inner life with little emotional content in their fantasies and imagination. Mike admitted he lacked imaginative thinking, rarely fantasized and even described his mental processes as “practical.”
5. A very pragmatic, externally oriented way of thinking. This characteristic proved somewhat positive for Mike, an engineer by trade. It enhanced his problem-solving ability, and the absence of emotionality helped him be more objective about vexing job situations.
6. As previously noted, low scores on measures of emotional intelligence, which include self-awareness, sensitivity to and empathy for others, and the ability to effectively manage relationships. Emotional intelligence and alexithymia don’t occur in tandem.

Now, alexithymia is not a sign of sociopathy (absence of caring for others), apathy or run of the mill emotional repression. And, while some ladies might disagree, males don’t have a monopoly on this mindset, although they show a greater incidence than females. How common is it? Estimates vary but usually hover around 10 percent of the general population. Currently, we believe alexithymia stems from neurological conditions (head injuries, tangled “wiring,” miscommunication between various brain regions), genetic influences or developmental wounding (child abuse or trauma, for instance).

“Does he not have feelings?” Margie wondered.

In fact, people with alexithymia do have emotions, but often don’t perceive them as such, instead frequently mistaking them for physical disturbances or ailments. For example, when they feel angry, rather than recognizing this feeling for what it is, they may instead think, “I feel hot all over.” Consequently, they often have physical complaints in the absence of biological illness, and, as previously noted, they don’t connect the two—emotions and the bodily sensations they create.

Basically, those with alexithymia appear emotionally detached or even robotic, preventing them from richly experiencing positive feelings such as joy and intimacy. Understandably, they struggle to form close relationships, which may prove very exasperating to their partner, spouse or other family members. What to do? Psychotherapy can help some of these folks, particularly if their alexithymia stems from childhood trauma. Also, if someone like Mike gains insight into their condition, that can be helpful, but not necessarily a game changer. When no developmental cause is present, treatment proves more difficult.

Obviously, emotions are foundational to being human. Most of us cycle between the thinking brain and the feeling one, and, optimally, there is an open channel of communication between the two, each informing and influencing the other. When they are disconnected, as in alexithymia, one can miss out on a lot. As Helen Keller put it, “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”

For more, visit philipchard.com.