Flattery Works (Usually)

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Flattered

If you’re a socially intelligent person, you may recognize when someone is buttering you up with false or inflated praise. I mean, how many times have you been subjected to somebody’s blatant attempt to persuade you to buy something, curry favor or do their behest, all by appealing to your vanity?  Plenty, I’ll bet.

Many of us harbor disdain for those who “kiss up,” as we call it. After all, who wants to be manipulated by someone who has an ulterior motive reflective of their self-interest in deference to one’s own? We may even tell ourselves we possess mental radar for this sort of subterfuge, and that we’re not that easy to fool. However, some interesting research shows that flattery, even when transparent, works more often than not, and even on those who consciously recognize it as a disingenuous snow job.

How can this be? Ask your subconscious mind, because that’s where the deed gets done. While you’re being sweetened up by some toothy trickster or interpersonal brown nose, you may be consciously thinking, “I know bull when I hear it, and I’m not falling for it.”  But once that “I’m no sucker!” notion fades into the background, what remains in your psyche is increased receptivity to whatever the puppet master of the moment is promoting.

Pushing the Limits

Of course, there are limits to how far flattery will get someone to go. If we’re being maneuvered into doing something contrary to our moral values or just plain dangerous, and we recognize it as such, we can override the sweet talk in our ears in favor of some common sense in our prefrontal cortex. But in the absence of alarms and caution lights in one’s psyche, the odds are we can be talked out of our time, money or attention by flattery, whether subtle or obvious. As you might expect, this sleight of mind has not been lost on marketing gurus, so the next time you’re mesmerized by a TV ad that strokes your ego, you’re being had. When some deep baritone on the tube says you should buy their “tough” pickup because you’re a real man and that’s what real men do, the hook is clear. Even if you’re thinking, “What crap,” the flattery will reverberate in your subconscious mind, outside your awareness. And that’s where most decisions get made, in the deep brain.

And this process is not confined to commerce. It is well established that flattery is a time-tested mating technique, and it ups one’s odds for that promotion at work. It can also facilitate entry to certain social groups. The applications are many. You see, egos are fragile entities, and they really enjoy the pampering from high praise and approbation. So even when one’s rational mind is saying “No way this is genuine,” the ego is probably in a bit of a swoon.

Sincere Compliments

Is all flattery disingenuous? No. Some folks look for the good in others and, when they see it, like to say so. Being polite and considerate, grateful and gracious, supportive and empathetic . . . these, and other interpersonal traits, do not constitute fake flattery, that is unless they seem feigned or over-the-top. When people compliment me in a sincere and accurate manner, I don’t assume surreptitious intent.

Nonetheless, when inflated flattery shows up, one need not be an automaton.  Research shows the power of flattery to influence our choices is diminished when we respect its power over the psyche. In other words, if you tell yourself, “I’m not dumb enough to fall for this malarkey,” there’s a better chance you will. Whereas, if you accept that you’re in danger of succumbing to ego-inflating blarney, then the odds are you won’t.

So, the next time someone ladles you with interpersonal sweet sauce, just tell yourself, “I’m in danger of being suckered here.” Hold on to that thought, and you’re more likely to hold on to your money, or something else you’d rather not part with under false pretenses.

For more, visit philipchard.com.