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Gratitude sign
Thanksgiving is time to ask ourselves, “Am I a grateful person?” What determines whether we embrace gratitude or, instead, mire ourselves in “woe is me” self-pity? Not that I’m knocking self-pity, which clearly has its place. However, as the saying goes, “It’s OK to visit Pity City . . . just don’t move there.”
Those of us who take up permanent residence in out pity pot feel mistreated by life, other people or both. Ironically, a lot of chronically ungrateful folks come from privilege. To have so much largesse and so little appreciation for it epitomizes what it means to be an ingrate.
So, why do some give thanks for the goodness in their lives, and even sometimes for the ills befalling them that impart valuable life lessons, while others remain atrophied in thankless, mopey resentment? And how is it that some people visited with great loss and tragedy can come out the other end feeling grateful while others living a gilded life can be such whiners?
Chose Gratitude
Well, if you believe in the human capacity for free will, then gratitude is a decision. Being thankful is a choice, not a consequence of one’s circumstances. However, like most aspects of mind, gratitude arises from a combination of factors. There is some evidence a person’s propensity for thankfulness involves genetic influences on brain chemistry. But, as with many things genetic, DNA is not destiny, at least not in the psychological realm. One’s innate nature may set the foundation for an attitude of gratitude, or its opposite, but choices and accompanying life experiences largely determine where one lands on the thankfulness continuum. It’s called epigenetics, meaning the influence of experiences on genetic expression.
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For example, even if one is inherently predisposed to feel grateful, suffering painful or traumatic life experiences can undermine that attitude. Inversely, innately unappreciative folks may receive blessings that make it challenging to remain an ingrate. The deciding factor is not so much the nature of the life events themselves, but rather, how one chooses to interpret and respond to them. When it comes to attitude adjustment, volition is the secret sauce. As the adage goes, “Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you react to it.”
Unappreciative Mindset
Jacob illustrated this dynamic well. A thankless yet financially and socially successful fellow who, nonetheless, felt insufficiently rewarded by fate, he woke up to his unappreciative mindset when his dearest friend was murdered. It was an existential slap in the face. He could have sunk deeper into “life sucks,” but felt compelled instead to see blessings where, before, he only saw their absence. His friend’s tragic and untimely passing imbued him with an appreciation for living.
Another client, Casey, chose to embrace thankfulness as well, but not because of any life-changing event. Whiney by nature, she knew being grateful was the mindset she wished to inhabit but kept slipping back into self-pity. So, she decided to intentionally grow an attitude of gratitude. How? Research shows giving thanks through ritual-based practices fosters gratefulness. Toward this end, Casey composed a gratitude journal where she wrote some half dozen times a week, listing people, experiences and circumstances she considered blessings, including tiny ones. The feel of a warm breeze on her face, a shaft of morning sunlight through the window, a steaming cup of coffee, the smile on a loved one’s face . . . these and multitudes of other small favors, as my mother called them, became the tapestry of her thankfulness.
She learned that, when we are grateful toward life, it seems to respond in kind. In fact, research shows thankful people report significantly higher levels of happiness and more positive relationships. This occurs because gratitude creates what psychologists call a “positive cognitive bias.” Once in this mindset, the brain automatically sifts through one’s moment-to-moment experiences by focusing most on those that are positive.
Of the many attitudes we humans can choose to inhabit, gratitude may be the most profoundly positive and life changing. As Cicero said: “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
For more, visit philipchard.com.
