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So, one of my recent columns lauded the benefits of letting go of an unattainable or too costly goal, with an emphasis on knowing when enough is enough.
Well, knowing the when is one thing, but determining the how is another. If you missed the previous piece, the primary premise was that knowing when to let go is as vital a life skill as dogged perseverance. But, how can we apply that skill?
Once one has determined it is time to relinquish something or someone, making this happen draws more from art than science. Consider a person, Naomi, a business executive who always longed to bear a child. Several miscarriages, failed fertility treatments and some related health problems left her dream hanging by a very thin thread. So, she had to decide whether to keep trying, with all the machinations that would entail and little prospect of success, or to let go and move on. Given the emotional damage and exhaustion her persistent efforts exacted, she opted for the latter, but she still faced the considerable challenge of how to make it happen.
“First, you need to let yourself grieve your loss,” I suggested. “When we relinquish something as vital as a lifelong dream, a period of mourning is part of letting go.”
Many of us struggle with this kind of bereavement, often striving to move it along quickly. After all, feeling bad is not pleasant. Still, one needs to give the heart and spirit the necessary time and space to unhitch one’s personal wagon from that star-like dream. Given that, there are still actions one can take to support the process.
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When facing the considerable challenge of letting go, there are two primary paths before us—rational or ceremonial. As you might expect, a few folks can simply make a pragmatic decision, let go and move on. These Spock-like souls are the exception, and Naomi was not among them. For her, I recommended a ceremonial approach.
Just like it sounds, ceremonial efforts involve the use of symbols and ritualistic actions that engage subconscious resources necessary for healing and moving on. Funerals are one example of a ceremonial approach, although our cultural approach to this process leaves much to be desired. For Christians, baptismal cleansing of one’s sins is another example. However, the most powerful ceremonies are those which individuals design themselves, finding or creating their own symbols and crafting a transformative ritual.
In Naomi’s case, this involved taking some items (symbols) she made in anticipation of bearing a child, and then using fire (transformative power) as part of her ritual. After selecting the symbolic items, she also composed a letter to her never-born child, then she selected a day, time and place for the ceremony.
“It was almost dusk, and I went to a secluded spot by the river near my home. I started a small fire, and, one by one, put the symbols and letter in the flames, watching them burn. It was painful, but I also felt a great weight lifting,” she reported. Gathering the ashes, she later buried them in her flower garden, planting a favorite perennial in that spot. It was her way of using what had died (her dream) to nurture new life and beauty.
These kinds of “releasing rituals,” while sometimes seemingly weird to the rational psyche, make perfect sense to the subconscious mind. So, when one’s conscious self feels stuck and unable to relinquish whatever it is and move on, engaging the healing capacity of the subconscious self often wins the day.
Rarely can we think or talk ourselves into letting go of what we deeply want but cannot have.
More often, we must symbolically act and feel our way toward this kind of healthy surrender.
