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Crowning yourself
By the time she graced my door, Carla had managed to alienate most of her friends, family and colleagues, but she was clueless as to how. She confided in me that she felt genuinely puzzled, professing ignorance about which of her behaviors proved so off-putting to others. After conversing with her for a time, the culprits became obvious. This educated, successful career professional became insufferable through a trio of interpersonal styles that, while merely irritating to others at first, rapidly grew onerous. What’s more, these tendencies were in one of her mental blind spots, so she literally was oblivious to their presence in her relationships.
Foremost was her habit of always redirecting the conversation back to herself. Regardless of what someone else might be discussing, Carla found a way to make it all about her, connecting it to something she did, said, thought, read, heard about or imagined. This became her version of the “it’s all about me” syndrome that is increasingly prevalent in today’s selfie society, made more so by the absence of sufficient empathy for others. If we can’t mentally put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, then we remain stuck in our own and, consequently, become increasingly isolated.
Her second tendency was to embellish. Whenever sharing something she experienced, her presentation assumed a melodramatic flair. As she told it, the happenings in her life always sounded more important, exciting, poignant, intense or entertaining than those of anyone else. In this respect, many of her sentences began with “Oh, that’s nothing, you should have seen” such-and-so. Embellishment often arises from an underlying insecurity about one’s worth. If, in my own eyes, the authentic me seems pedestrian, then I may feel compelled to mentally “photoshop” my experiences in order to impress others. Want another example of that? Look at many a Facebook page.
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Believing Their Own Hype
Lying by aggrandizement on occasion is not uncommon, but folks like Carla rely on it to puff up their deflated sense of self. Even when challenged over the veracity of their claims, they often believe their own hyperbole. Research shows we can readily deceive ourselves into thinking we are actually telling the truth when we are, in fact, inflating or recreating it. And if one tells a lie often enough, as our body politic demonstrates, it becomes believable in one's own head.
Carla’s final insufferable propensity involved assuming she was always right. She exhibited a kind of insular certainty, rarely asked questions of others to solicit their perspectives, and mentally pushed and shoved to have the last say on whatever subject lay on the table. The need to be correct often arises in those who are ill at ease with ambiguity and, to them, the unnerving possibility that there is not a clear right or wrong answer which, by the way, they believe themselves to possess. Studies show some people experience disproportionately high anxiety when their opinions are challenged or seemingly refuted by competing facts, and Carla clearly fell into that group.
When I shared my synopsis with her, she appeared stunned. People who lack sufficient self-awareness, which she did, often fail to recognize how they come across to others. Granted, even when self-aware, it’s taxing to get a read on one’s public facing persona. The mind is the instrument of awareness, and it struggles to see itself, sort of like the eye trying to do the same thing. It’s safe to say we all have blind spots.
For Carla, the use of emotional intelligence training and one-on-one interpersonal coaching proved quite beneficial. She also embraced short-term psychotherapy to address the underlying insecurities driving her insufferable interpersonal style. That’s tough work, but when it took hold, the underlying motivation behind her off-putting behaviors slowly evaporated. At the conclusion of our visits, I handed Carla a note with these words from Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu:
“If you show yourself, you will not be seen. If you affirm yourself, you will not shine. If you boast, you will have no merit.”
For more, visit philipchard.com.
