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“Once I decide I’m going to do something and set a goal, I can’t seem to let it go,” Meghan told me.
This middle-aged career woman felt determined to best her already impressive performance in a triathlon. But she pushed too hard while training, and she ended up hobbled with injuries and pain. She faced a prospect that was foreign to her mindset—putting aside a lofty pursuit and moving on.
“I’ve never been able to do that,” she told me. So, when stymied in her headlong rush toward ever greater achievements, she experienced intense frustration and outright agitation. “It’s like having one foot floored on the accelerator and the other planted firmly on the brake,” she explained.
William was of a similar mindset but enmeshed in far different circumstances. “My son is a train wreck,” he explained, referring to his 30-something youngest.
The wreck in question included alcoholism, a long series of failed treatment efforts, lost jobs, ruined relationships and financial miscues. “He lies, cheats, backslides... the whole mess. I’ve done everything I can to help him, spent a small fortune on treatment programs, bailed him out of one mess after another, but nothing works,” he lamented.
A very different situation than the one faced by Meghan, to be sure, but their mindsets were quite similar; dogged persistence regardless of the obstacles. Our culture lauds this sort of stick-to-itiveness. We glorify those who, despite seemingly overwhelming odds, push through to achieve their goals, no matter how lofty.
Within reason, persistence in the face of challenges and adversity can yield positive outcomes, including building character and resilience. The trick is knowing when one’s efforts have transitioned from persistence to Einstein’s oft-quoted definition of insanity—doing the same unsuccessful thing over and over while still expecting it to succeed. This flies in the face of, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” But, when “at first” becomes “countless tries,” it’s time to reassess one’s approach, if not jettison it altogether.
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“Your body is talking to you,” I told triathlete Meghan. “What do you think it’s saying?”
“To stop training as hard, but I’m not a quitter,” she replied.
“Understood. But that’s your mind talking, and, if it refuses to listen to your body, your persistence may deprive you of what is possible in a futile attempt to achieve what, at least for now, is out of reach,” I suggested.
Meghan is a “push through the pain” type, so my recommendation was unattractive. The idea that reaching for the impossible may deprive us of achieving the attainable found little traction in her psyche.
As for William, the prospect of giving up on trying to help a long-struggling loved one was even more unsavory. “I can’t turn my back on my son,” he told me. “That’s just not in my value system.”
“It doesn’t have to be about abandoning him,” I offered. “But, there’s a difference between trying to fix someone, so to speak, and being there for them.”
Unlike Meghan, this gentleman made the hard choice to change course. He stopped bailing out his troubled adult child with advice, money and resources and, instead, settled on offering what wouldn’t prove futile—his emotional support, acceptance and love. A very taxing choice, to be sure, but an attainable one.
In this life, many of us confront these kinds of conundrums. We have good reasons for not letting go of certain things—failed relationships, important goals, a job one loves, a cherished activity and the like. Nonetheless, until we relinquish what can’t be changed or mastered, moving forward often becomes impossible.
Meaning, at times, letting go can prove a more important life skill than dogged persistence.
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