Health event
There are many things that divide spouses, partners and families. Pet peeves, power struggles, finances, divergent parenting styles, personality conflicts, and such. However, one interpersonal wedge rarely discussed but increasingly encountered in a number of families and pairings is health habits. This was the conundrum brought to my door by Nancy, a fortyish homemaker living with her husband and two teenage children.
“I’m the only health conscious person in our family,” she lamented.
Nancy’s husband was obese, while both her children were overweight and gaining fast. In contrast, despite a family history of obesity and a sedentary childhood, she was at normal weight.
“I work hard at it,” she continued. “I exercise daily, eat well, get plenty of sleep and try to keep my stress under control, which is why I’m here.”
Nancy’s approach to health management was hitting most of the factors science tells us determine one’s physical well-being. However, one stressor that repeatedly pushed her emotional hot button was the growing resentment she felt toward the rest of her family. Her husband was borderline diabetic and medicated for both hypertension and high cholesterol, and her kids seemed on course to follow. She described her children as “couch potatoes,” and said she’d grown weary of urging them to ramp up their physical activity. But her husband remained the primary focus of her discontent.
“He flat out refuses to do anything to take care of himself. He won’t exercise, eats double portions and lots of fast food, and just ignores my concerns. And when I try to talk to him about it, he calls me a nag and says I should butt out,” she explained.
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
Lifestyles in Conflict
Nancy’s angst erupted on several levels. For one, her husband’s sedentary lifestyle was driving them apart. She continued to walk, bike, play tennis, exercise . . . all without him. Her invitations to join in fell on deaf ears, creating a persistent resentment that increasingly poisoned their relationship. For another, she was in “What if?” mode, anticipating having to take care of him as his health deteriorated.
“It’s just a matter of time before he has a health crisis, and I’m going to end up managing his care and taking on more and more responsibility for him, the house and the rest of it,” she insisted.
As she saw it, her spouse was being selfish. Because their lives were intertwined, his choices directly affected her quality of life, as well, yet he acted like he was the only one who would pay the price for his physical decline.
What should I do? Just accept it?” she wondered.
This is no easy nut to crack. It’s hard enough changing human behavior when someone is motivated, let alone indifferent. What’s more, in families there are other dynamics at work, including around personal autonomy (“You can’t run my life”) and acceptance (“You don’t love me for who I am”). It’s messy. The problem is that using coercion (“change or else”) rarely succeeds. Unless the drive to live healthier comes from within (intrinsic motivation), efforts soon fizzle. Carrots and sticks (extrinsic motivation) can get us started in changing our behaviors, but they can’t sustain these efforts over the long run.
At my suggestion, she asked her husband to clarify his purpose in living. If, through her inquiries, he could recognize a connection between what gave his life meaning and the need to live healthier, that might motivate him to clean up his act. He replied that he felt devoted to their children, to helping them launch their lives effectively. She then asked how he wanted his involvement in their lives to unfold. Predictably, he wanted to be around for their graduations, perhaps marriages, grandkids, etc. The connection between what he was looking forward to and, to make that happen, the need to be healthier, was obvious. Nancy didn’t have to push or shove; just asked open-ended questions.
Will this work with everyone? No, nothing does. But if the unhealthy person has a latent reserve of motivation, this approach sometimes lights the fire. When it doesn’t, folks like Nancy are left to follow my sister’s advice: “Stay in your own life.”
For more, visit philipchard.com.
