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Looking forward
At certain times in our lives, many of us pause from the helter-skelter of just getting through the day and contemplate what we’ve done in the past, where we are now and how we’d like to proceed going forward. New Year’s can be one of those times. Others include birthdays, anniversaries and the like. Positivity gurus advise us to spend most of our time living fully in the present, warning that looking back and focusing ahead often mire us in not-so-pleasant mental spaces, like regret, guilt, worry and anxiety. They have a point. However, when done properly, contemplating the past and future serves an important purpose in our lives.
It’s not unusual to experience periods when we feel existentially lost. This can result from the frenzy of daily life, from the intense and persistent focus on getting things done and keeping all those logistical balls in the air. As one stressed-out career mom put it, “I’m so busy taking care of everyone and everything else, I feel like I’ve lost track of me.” Another disorienting cause can be emotional trauma that upends one’s default mindset toward life and other people. Then there’s when one’s life becomes a disingenuous masquerade for the benefit of others but in violation of one’s true self. When our “I know who I am and where I’m going” self-definition erodes or explodes, contemplating one’s past and future sometimes restores it.
Examining our past invokes what we shrinks call a “life narrative,” the story of how we became who we are. Contemplating one’s future envisions who we aspire to become. This sense of where we’ve come from and where we’re going helps anchor us in who we are now, providing a sort of psychological GPS. So, a clear sense of self creates the mindset necessary to live more in the present, as we are often admonished to do.
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Emotional Memoir
So, how does one accomplish this contemplative process? When it comes to retrospection, I encourage clients to compose what I call an “emotional memoir.” Writing a standard memoir is obviously a means to this end. However, many of us are not inclined to author what can become a book-length account of our lives. Alternatively, the memoir I encourage focuses solely on life happenings that left the greatest emotional impact, from one’s earliest applicable memory onward. After all, experiences laden with emotionality usually imbue the strongest memories, and exert the most powerful influences on our psychological development. An emotional memoir describes these events and helps us reflect on their role in shaping who we have become.
For some, this approach proves risky. Those very unhappy with their lives may find this reflective process deepens their melancholia. It can stir up regrets, bitterness and even despair. However, even these folks can benefit if they use their painful memories as motivation for making the best of their lives going forward. If who we have been in the past is not who we want to be in the future, this process can serve as a life reset.
On the flip side, looking ahead should be less about setting specific goals and more about aspiring to embody certain values and attributes. For example, if I commit to being more kind, this aspiration can find expression in a wide array of situations. Or, if I desire to embrace more self-compassion (a tough one for many), that too can manifest in a myriad of moment-to-moment experiences. This time of year, it’s all too easy for forward-looking folks to set lofty goals without considering the values necessary for fueling their efforts. Trying to impose goals on ourselves (e.g., exercise, stop smoking, eat healthy) without attending to the aspirational motivations that innervate these behaviors (self-worth, enhanced well-being, etc.) usually fails. So, contemplating one’s future is more about who one wants to be rather than what one wishes to achieve.
These two areas of focus—looking back and envisioning forward—interact collaboratively, allowing the past to offer lessons that inform one’s approach to the future. As Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “Life can only be understood backwards; but must be lived forward.”
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